Friday, 23 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Christmas Weekend

Christmas weekend, here are some things that are on the telly.

Christmas Eve

Don't watch the TV until noon because before then there are a lot of bad films. Films like Garfield and Dudley Moore's Santa Claus The Movie. Just don't do it.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (Channel 4) 12.00pm - Muppets perform Dickens' tale with the usual puppety results. Contains Michael Caine.

The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe (BBC 1) 5.50pm - CS Lewis's story about magic Jesus lions and Turkish delight is given the Hollywood treatment. The child cast were rescued from a workhouse to appear in this film. They were then sold on for parts.

BBC 2 have a compilation of Morecambe and Wise shows and then a profile and a clip show about Les Dawson. There's then a Top of the Pops special and a documentary about the making of Blackadder. That's a pretty great line up and it begins at 8pm or you could tune in at 7pm if you want to watch a special about John Craven. Great stuff.

Channel Four is showing Bill Bailey - Dandelion Mind at 10.55pm which is not the strongest of his live shows but still good fun. Following that though is a Christmas classic which should be shown at a proper bloody time:

Father Ted - A Christmassy Ted (Channel 4) 11.55pm - Father Ted celebrates Christmas by getting lost in a lingerie department and then accepting a Golden Cleric award. Oh and Mrs Doyle is replaced by a tea machine. This is a classic Christmas special and should be shown at prime time instead of tucked away in the graveyard slot.



THEN GO TO BED BECAUSE FATHER CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND HE WON'T DELIVER YOUR PRESENTS IF YOU'RE AWAKE.

Christmas Day

It's Christmas Day, I'm not going to tell you what to do.

Well, other than tell you that Doctor Who is on at 7pm. Only inhuman monsters don't like Doctor Who.

You're not an inhuman monster are you?



And on that note - MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I will see you next year for more of the same, have a great time and try not to eat all the trifle as that's my favourite.

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Friday December 23rd

The first week of festive programmes is almost at an end. How have you enjoyed it so far? It's been rubbish hasn't it? Let's hope that the Christmas weekend can make up for a lacklustre showing...

Oh bobbins.

Nativity! (BBC 2) 6.20pm - Is this good? I don't know. It has Martin Freeman who was Tim from The Office and then Arthur Dent and then Doctor Watson and now he's Bilbo Baggins. Maybe he'll look into the camera a lot or perhaps go on an adventure. Seems he has to direct a school play. I'm sure there'll be some scenes where you'll see him desperately trying not to break the fourth wall.



Shrek (BBC 3) 7.25pm - The first one, the good one. The one that was an unexpected smash hit before the franchise was exploited with endless sequels and spin offs. Mike Myers' Scottish accent is still pretty bobbins though. "Arrrmmm an Oguurrrrrrr!"

Hitman (Film 4) 9.00pm - Hitman is rubbish but sometimes you just want to watch people get shot and see things explode. This movie contains those things.



Fight Club (Film 4) 11.00pm - This film is bloody marvellous and is my favourite David Fincher movie. A darkly comic story about anarchy, violence, advertising, office jobs, and Brad Pitt in a variety of bizarre outfits.

The Inbetweeners is on all bloody night and morning long on Channel 4 from 11.10pm onwards. BUS WANKERS.

Or you could watch The Nutty Professor at 11.30pm on ITV 2, you idiot.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Thursday 22nd December

I tweeted a couple of things about this evening's schedule. Basically there's not a lot on, you should probably wrap your presents or roast a log or put a turkey in a bucket.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Wednesday 21st December

Hello again, here's what's on the TV on Wednesday 21st December.

Freaky Friday (Channel Four) 11.30am - The one from 1976 with Jodie Foster in. Obviously better than the more recent Lindsay Lohan vehicle.

Oliver Twist (Channel Four) 1.25pm - A recent Ben Kingsley version, not seen it but hey, Charles Dickens. Also couldn't be as bad as The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff, which was a bit shite. I wanted to like it but it's just wasn't funny. What a shame.

Top of the Pops Christmas Special (BBC 2) 7.30pm - Mark Radcliffe (my favourite ex-Radio One DJ) hosts the show which is a compilation of vintage clips. It's probably going to be 90 minutes of taking the piss out of old Christmas hits and Christmas outfits. That's not a bad thing (may actually be a bad thing).

Bad Santa (Channel Four) 9pm - Billy Bob Thornton is the best (worst) shopping mall Santa ever. A great film and one for the Christmas misanthropes of the world.

Monday, 19 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Tuesday 20th December

Look, I'll be honest with you - Tuesday is no good. The schedules are packed with a great big pile of nothing.

Okay, okay. There must be something worth watching, let me see...

Rev (BBC 2) 9.30pm - I like Rev, it is nice. I'm not a religious man but Rev takes a gentle, realistic view of life as a Church of England vicar in an inner city parish. The scripts tend to be great and although the jokes and situations aren't always comedy hits, it's clearly an intelligent programme that often examines issues about faith, life, death and over deep stuff, yeah? Anyway, this is the Christmas special and Tom Hollander will probably be brilliant in it.

The Bourne Supremacy (ITV1) 10.35pm - My favourite Bourne film, this is the 2nd of the series and sees Matt Damon return to kick several shades of international arse across Europe. Karl Urban is the antagonist and faces off against Damon in a bruising car chase through the streets of Moscow. Terrific stuff.

Here's the whole car chase, it's from the end of the movie so you know, don't watch if you haven't seen it. Or watch it and then watch the film. I don't know. You do what you want.



And that is it. I'd go to the pub instead. Or play a board game. Or write a TV schedule that's neither comprehensive or useful.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Monday 19th December

Hello again, what's on the telly on Monday? What? You don't want to know? TOUGH.

Monday 19th December

You should be at work in the morning and afternoon but if you have the good (or ill) fortune to be at home then you can start the day with...

Spacecamp (BBC 2) 9.20am - Kids go to a summer camp at NASA, or SPACECAMP (alloneword). Said kids accidentally launch into space and have to find their way home. It's got Lea Thompson (Marty McFly's mum and the only actress outside of specialist movies to have had sex with an anthropormorphic duck) and Joaquin Phoenix in it. It is not very good.

The Muppets Take Manhattan (Channel 4) 11.55am - Muppets go to Manhattan and take stuff. It's the Muppets, you know who the Muppets are.



After the Muppets you should take a break until...

The Bleak Old Shop of Stuff (BBC 2) 8.30pm - A parody of Dickens material starring Stephen Fry, Robert Webb, and David Mitchell. Let's hope it's good, eh?

As for the rest of the night, BBC 2 continue with Roby Brydon and a Nevermind The Buzzcocks episode with John Barrowman as host. Watch or avoid as appropriate there.

Channel 5 are showing Step Brothers at 9pm, it's a decent comedy as long as you can tolerate two middle-aged men acting like children and indulging in wacky slapstick. If you're not a fan of Will Ferrell then this film will not change your mind. I enjoyed it as a fun, dumb, unchallenging movie. Like ice-cream for the brain. You can follow Step Brothers with Walk Hard starring John C Reilly.

Finally, Channel Four continue their Christmas horror movie tradition with Rosemary's Baby at 12.05am. I love that Channel Four embrace the spirit of Christmas by showing movies about demonic children. Better get those presents right, parents!

Friday, 16 December 2011

Christmas Schedule View-A-Thon 5000 - Saturday 17th & Sunday 18th December

Hello there, it's Christmas soon and I thought my gift to you this year would be a guide to the television on offer. Be warned, this year's offerings are poor but with my help you may just watch something decent, or at least know that there's nothing on without switching on your TV and desperately flicking through the channels while screaming.

I will begin with the week before Christmas. A whole week. I spoil you.

Saturday 17th December

I'm going to assume that you've done all your Christmas shopping already and you're not running through the streets of your local shopping centre panicking, yelling, and wielding a knife. So why not start your day with...

Well okay look, the morning is a write off really. Don't watch TV before lunchtime because there's nothing much on other than the usual guff. So skip to...

1.15pm About A Boy (ITV1) - A film starring Hugh Grant who's now a bit of a hero due to his constant battles against the tabloids. Apparently this is a good film, it's based on a Nick Hornby novel and he wrote High Fidelity which was a great book and a decent film. So yeah, there's a romantic option for the afternoon.

Of course you could wait a bit instead and watch:

1.40pm Splash (BBC 2) - Tom Hanks (the funny 80s version of Tom rather than the more portly and serious 90s 00s actor version) meets Daryl Hannah's mermaid and a literal fish out of water romantic comedy arises. This was a film my parents had on tape and I watched it about 4663 times during my youth, I like it, it's sweet. John Candy's in it too.

If you start watching either film and get bored or you've just got home from shopping in the wilds, you could tune into...

2.55pm Who Framed Roger Rabbit (BBC 1) - It's cartoons and Bob Hoskins together for the first time and the last time. Kids love it and dads love Jessica Rabbit while mums look at dads and think, "freak". Hoskins is a private eye drawn (ho ho) into a world of cartoon characters in this bizarre family friendly film noir. See if you can spot all the cartoon characters of years gone by and then wonder why you can't remember important stuff like your mum's birthday. You bad person.



After those films you can take a break, have some tea (or dinner if you prefer) and then make your way back to the sofa for...

6.35pm Harry Potter and The Tree of Nothing Part 3.2 (ITV1) - I'm not a Potterite, or whatever it is you kids with your wands call yourselves, but here is a film about a boy wizard and his magic owlbear. Or something. The kids love it. It's either that or watch Merlin at 8pm. Your choice.

8.55pm The Nightmare Before Christmas (BBC 3) - I'll admit that I haven't actually seen this film but this year THAT CHANGES. I will watch it. Oh yes. Even though I find Tim Burton's constant gothy whimsy immensely irritating.

If you don't fancy singing skeletons and pumpkins and that, you could watch Daniel Craig fight Nazis in Defiance at 9pm on BBC 2. Or you could watch...

9.00pm Die Hard 4.0 (E4) - Bruce is back and this time he's bald and old. I quite liked this because I'm a sucker for John McClane. Barry Norman said in the Radio Times that Timothy Olyphant isn't up to the part of the villain due to a lack of physical presence, "I reckon even I could have taken out a computer nerd like him." Barry, Barry, Barry you are entering a world of pain. Have you not watched Deadwood or Justified? Hell, you must have seen Hitman as it's your job to watch movies. Olyphant is a stone cold killer, he has that crazy gleam in his eye, the dude will straight up slap you to death. I fear for Barry Norman, maybe in his old age he's developed delusions of grandeur. Perhaps he paces around the house looking for someone to pounce on and bench press? Barry, calm down. Although I will admit that Die Hard 4 doesn't make the best of Olyphant's skills and doesn't really devote enough screen time to Willis and Olyphant scenes.

Finally let's round off the day by watching a festive classic...

12.05am The Omen (Channel 4) - If you're a parent and you're thinking of not getting your kid a Turbo Man or a copy of Doctor Who Series 6 on DVD then watch out, your kid could develop satanic powers. Or something. Anyway this is a classic film that I haven't seen so I will be watching it for the first time (despite having seen most of the deaths already due to their inevitable presence in movie clips shows like TOP 100 DEMONIC CHILD FILMS or whatever).

Oh yeah, you could forget all that and spend your entire evening on Film Four and watch Star Trek 1, 2 & 3 from 6.25pm. If you're that way inclined.

You may then go to sleep.

Remember to wake up the next day for it is Sunday and it is time for more television.

Sunday 18th December

Right, do you want to get up early and watch films all day? Do you want to plonk the kids in front of films all day? ITV1 seems to have you covered there (WARNING quality of films not guaranteed).

9.50am The Never Ending Story (ITV1) - Well that's bullshit because it quite clearly finishes at 11.30am in time for A Cinderella Story which stars Hilary Duff and which is probably awful. Then Jack Frost is on after that which also looks really crappy and creepy "Oooh my Dad's dead but he's come back as a snowman, what fun we'll have. NO WAIT THAT'S REALLY BLOODY WEIRD AND WRONG. STOP IT."

Of course you could watch Scrooge on Channel 5 at 1.00pm instead. It's no Scrooged but it's pretty good. After that...

3.00pm Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (ITV1) - Gene Wilder is bloody mad in this film. Bonkers mad. There's lots of catchy songs and it's got that weird psychedelic aesthetic going on, it's amazing.


After that have some Sunday sustenance and then reconvene back to the sofa for evening TV fun.

8.00pm Gremlins (ITV2) - It's one of the best Christmas films ever. Malevolent puppet monsters run riot in small town America. Joe Dante created a clever and very funny take on the Christmas movie that remains one of my favourite films. I used to watch it at Halloween as a kid but that was WRONG because it's a Christmas film. Stupid younger me.

Hancock is on Channel Five at the same time but man, where's the Christmas in that film eh?

There is a problem with watching Gremlins though, it means you'll miss the final episode of Black Mirror at 9pm. The show hasn't been quite what I hoped it would be but it's still an intelligent and thought provoking series and that's never a bad thing. Jessie Armstrong of Peep Show fame wrote this episode so it should be a cracker. Then at 10pm there's the Misfits series finale. I love Misfits and the conclusion to this series should be the usual combination of the crude, hilarious, and shocking.

If you don't like Misfits (what is wrong with you?) then I guess you could watch Bruno on Channel 4. It's on right after Black Mirror so you wouldn't even have to move, you lazy specimen of wretchedness. I haven't seen Bruno, it's probably quite funny and shocking and silly. I'll see it one day but probably not on Sunday.


11.35pm Carrie (Channel Four) - After Bruno is over, you can watch Sissy Spacek struggle to find a date for the prom. Poor Sissy. It's alright though, I hear they make her queen of the prom so it all ends well.

Then go to bed because you have work in the morning. GOOD NIGHT.