Stupid Films That I Love - Demolition Man

The next film in the stupid but great collection is Stallone’s 1993 opus, Demolition Man. It stars Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock, Denis Leary, Rob Schneider, and erm, Nigel Hawthorne. Bit of backstory here, I actually won a local newspaper competition to see this movie when I was 15. I won a pair of tickets and a Demolition Man beret. Yes, a beret. I never did summon up the courage to wear the beret in public as I was too busy wearing my military deerstalker (with Judge Dredd badge stuck on one side, fashion fans!). So there is some nostalgic value to this film, not a great deal, it’s not like I placed the beret in a special display cabinet or dedicated 1993 as the year of the Demolition Man beret and Simon Phoenix haircut.

Talk of berets aside, Demolition Man is the story of supercop John Spartan and his feud with criminal Simon Phoenix (got to love the over the top character names, they’ve been a big influence when choosing names for my own fictional creations). The movie starts in the near future (now the recent past to us) as Los Angeles has become a war zone due to gang warfare. Simon Phoenix (played by Wesley Snipes) is a super criminal whose amazing plan seems to be kidnapping school buses and ransoming them off. Having watched The Wire, I’m not convinced that Phoenix’s business model is sustainable in the long term, I mean stealing a school bus is something you could only pull off a couple of times surely? John Spartan doesn’t approve of kidnapping school kids so he decides to singlehandedly infiltrate Phoenix ’s lair and bring him to justice.

Spartan’s plan doesn’t go well and it ends with both him and Phoenix sentenced to several decades of cryogenic jail time. Decades later Phoenix and Spartan are thawed out to continue their feud in a more civilised and sterilised future age. Wacky hi-jinks ensue as the two men from the past use brutal methods unseen by the peaceful future inhabitants of San Angeles.

This is a culture shock movie with lashings of comedy violence, it’s actually quite dark in places but you’re never shown anything explicitly nasty directly on screen. The film has a pretty decent cast for a mainstream comedy action movie, Wesley Snipes is great fun as Phoenix as he clearly delights in his crimes. Stallone as Spartan is pretty much playing the clichéd maverick cop who DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR RULES DAMMIT but uses his charisma to make it work. Sandra Bullock appears in one of her early main character roles in a big budget movie and she does her usual job of being the sexy girl/future cop next door. Rob Schneider is well, Rob Schneider. I assume his performance in this movie is why he was cast as comedy sidekick Fergie in the Judge Dredd film a couple of years later. Oh yeah, Jesse Ventura is in it too!



Demolition Man is an inoffensive movie with a simple message about corruption in paradise and a warning about over reliance on technology. One of my favourite ongoing jokes is the constant fines levied by a faceless but omnipresent computer whenever John Spartan swears. It’s not ground breaking but it is a lot of fun, the action sequences are well done and quite imaginative in places and the future world is well realised, if pretty silly. This is a stupid but endearing action movie that obviously won’t tax the brain but will leave you entertained.

Here's the trailer:

Stupid Films That I Love – Crank

This is a new feature and much like My Favourite Episodes it will focus on something I like, namely films that are stupid but that I love all the same. It will probably appear once in a blue moon just like My Favourite Episodes. I am nothing if not unpredictable.

The first movie up is from the Jason Statham brand – Crank.



Crank is very, very, stupid and silly. Do not begin watching this movie expecting a work of art, a discussion of the human spirit, or a story of the triumph of the human soul. Expect violence, bad language, car chases, gun play and Amy Smart in a summer dress. It’s best to regard this film as a live action version of Grand Theft Auto with better dialogue.

Jason Statham is the improbably named Chev Chelios, he is a cockney assassin living in Los Angeles (this is never explained but I guess it’s because Jason Statham’s American accent is awful and his natural cockney accent is funny when heard in conjunction with American antagonists). Chev has made enemies amongst the Latino gangs and they have poisoned him with some “Chinese shit,” a toxin which will eventually slow his heart down to a complete stop and kill him. Chev discovers that if he keeps his adrenaline pumping his heart won’t stop and he won’t die, so he embarks on a heart pumping rampage across the city – will he find a cure, gain revenge on his enemies, and finally confess to his girlfriend that he’s not really a computer game programmer?

Now you’ve just read the synopsis and you’re probably thinking to yourself, “that sounds like absolute crap” and that’s exactly what I thought before I watched Crank. I was wrong. Dead wrong. Crank has a wicked sense of humour running throughout the movie and a tongue so far in cheek that it’s burst through the skin and is waggling around manically. The film starts with the movie title rendered in lurid 8 bit graphics, giving a large hint at what is to come – fun, violent, fun.

It’s clear that everyone is having a great time in this film, Statham maintains a manic cockney menace throughout, Amy Smart is a ditzy stoner chick oblivious to events around her, and every bit part player is a memorable character from the Haitian cab driver that constantly talks about drugs made from “plant shit” while berating Chev and calling him a crackhead, to the male nurse forced at gunpoint to shock Chev with a defibrillator paddle.

The story itself isn't particularly complex as it's standard revenge fare. What is interesting is Chev's rampage throughout L.A and his effect on everyone he meets. At one point Chev even takes a break from the plot to ride a stolen police motorbike through the streets while he comes down from a massive adrenalie shot that he took earlier. To use the old saying, it's not the destination - it's the journey.



Crank is great entertainment. I'm not advocating it as the greatest film ever made, heck, it's not even the greatest action movie ever made but it is one of the most enjoyable. Next time you're feeling a little down, give Crank a watch and it'll cheer you right up.

Here's the trailer but be warned that for some reason they decided to remove almost all traces of humour from it. Fortunately they rectified this mistake for Crank 2...

Shut It, You

Yeah, yeah, been quite on here recently. Look at that panel, it's from Satan (again) by Alan Grant and Arthur Ranson.

Next week Merlin series two begins and so does the snark, along with some kind of respectable posting schedule. Expect the snark filled recap a couple of days after transmission.

Toilets Are Always Funny (Unless You're Watching The Spirit Movie)

From 'Welcome Back Frank' #10 by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon.

Judge Anderson Will Kick You Straight Out of the Comic!

From "Judge Death Lives" by Wagner and Grant with art by Brian Bolland.

Deadpool Plays Street Fighter

(click to embiggen as usual)

Deadpool breaks out the deadliest uppercut of all in Deadpool #27 - words by Joe Kelly, pencils by Walter McDaniel.