Saturday, 27 June 2009

Torchwood Season Four - The Honest Truth

Twitter was awash yesterday with one of the hottest trending topics to hit it since its launch. No, not that story - Torchwood. Yes, Torchwood season three begins on Monday 6th July at 9:00pm and continues throughout the week until Friday 10th. In honour of the return of the BBC's flagship awful programme, and the series that began my whole snarky recap adventure, Rob Buckley, Rev/Views and I speculated what would appear in the potential fourth season of the show (providing season three doesn't get the whole thing cancelled.) What follows below is a more or less direct transcription of our intense brain storming session from our Twitter accounts. It has been slightly edited to be a little more coherent.

Rob: Oh God no. Not only Torchwood Children of Earth plaguing TV for a week, but three plays on Radio 4 the week before. Have mercy BBC!

Rev: You never know, Torchwood might turn out to be good. Stranger things have happened.

Rob: Gwen with two guns in the trailer says 'No'. Lack of Chris Chibnall, writing of Rusty says, 'Maybe'.

Aaron: Oh man, I go to the pub and I miss out on ripping on Torchwood. Damn.

Rev: Hmm, well how about we carry on ragging on them now?

Rob: Certainly there's plenty of mileage to be had with the idea of Radio 4's version of "Torchwood India", surely?

Rev: Torchwood India? With Bollywood style singing sequences? Sign me up!

Aaron: Bollywood musical sequences would probably make the action more convincing.

Rob: It's true. I'm not making it up. "Jack is shocked to find that Torchwood India is still going strong"

Aaron: This outsourcing is getting ridiculous!

Rob: "Can I ask what the nature of your alien invasion is?"

Aaron: If the alien looks human but with an animal's head, press 1.

Rob: "Hi, you're through to Captain Jack's 'I'd shag that' line. Human with a horse's head you say...?"

Aaron: If the alien is a spooky clown or some other cheap make-up & costume effect, press 2.

Aaron: If the alien is a kinky, sex obsessed lesbian press 3.

Aaron: If the alien is actually a traveller from the future with an ulterior motive, press 4.

Aaron: If the alien is a Dalek, please hold whilst we scream for the Doctor.

Rob: "For all other enquiries, press 0 to hear a Welsh former WPC scream and then start running because it's all too frightening"

Aaron: I think we've just written an episode for the next series.

Rob: The series 4 Torchwood reboot: evolutionary not revolutionary. "More of what you already know, just more honestly described"

Aaron: Torchwood S4e1 - Gwen Cooper Buys A Skirt. But It's Cursed.

Rob: Ep 2. Jack's on holiday in Malia so Ianto and Gwen have to stop some aliens intent on taking over Mermaid Quay as far as Tesco.

Rev: Why only as far as Tesco? Does the chain have some alien repellent technology it's hiding? Oooo Conspiracy.

Rob: As has been demonstrated before, aliens on Torchwood often have very limited ambitions.

Rob: "We've got the restaurants, we've got the bars, we've even got Harry Ramsden's. Do we need more than the supermarket and an ATM?"

Aaron: Yesssss. The Tessssscossss. It issssss the key to victory!

Rev: Is it just me, is acting in Torchwood like Joey's "techniques" in Friends? Something's wrong, quick use "smell the fart" faces.

Aaron: That's what's known in the business as ACTING! You have to say it in a bold baritone. Barrowman is king of smellthefart technique.

Aaron: Ep 3. Jack Installs Windows 7.

Rob: Coupled with intense typing, which always indicates clever computer work? Rather than lots of pointing and clicking.

Rob: Product placement on the Beeb? He may install "Generic OS 6.5" but that's all.

Rev: And which episode of Torchwood will have Owen return as the Radioactive Zombie Hulk?

Rob: Has there been an ep of Who with a radioactive zombie Hulk that the Mill can nick the FX shots from because the budget's blown?

Rev: Couldn't they just get Burn Gorman to wear a muscle suit, green make up and refer to himself in the third person? "Owen Smash!"


Rev: Sections of the internet explode with Captain Jack & Radioactive Owen Hulk slash fiction.

Aaron: I fear a radioactive Owen with a cannister of alien rohypnol.

Aaron: Ep 4 Torchwood Staff Party! Owen's melted head guest stars!

Aaron: Ep 5. Ianto Goes to Night School. The Teachers are Aliens!

Rob: Ep 6. Torchwood investigate a haunted mine and discover it's really just an old man with a sheet over his head. And an alien.

Aaron: Ep 7. Torchwood visit an old fair ground; they think it's haunted but it's just their imagination. Then they all laugh together.

Rob: Ep 8. Jack takes his coat to the cleaners and discovers it's really black, just a bit moldy: alien mold that makes you horny.

Aaron: Ep 9. Gwen eats a curry that allows her to see through time. Ianto does the dishes.

Rob: Ep 10. Jack discovers the Eisteddfod has been infiltrated by shapeshifters disguised as bards so shoots the lot of them. And misses.

Rev: So I guess at Ep 10 it's time to reveal the BIG BAD who's (not) been hinted at all season.

Aaron: Ep 11. Ianto & Jack go on holiday and bump into homophobe Jim Davidson. It's awkward.

Rob: Ep 12. Secretly, some time and motion efficiency experts have been watching Torchwood - and now want to eliminate the waste.

Aaron: EP13 Season Finale. Ianto takes a Duvet Day. Gwen makes the tea instead. Jack downloads some porn but feels hollow & guilty.

I think the BBC will be very interested in this because:

1. We knocked this together and plotted an entire season in about an hour. Meaning that we'd save time on plotting and could spend more time on thinking of rude words to include in the dialogue.

2. We present a bold new vision of Torchwood; yes, we've seen them order pizza but have we really seen them do the dishes afterward? You won't believe what cleaning products they use!

3. We will probably have one of the aliens be a sentient fart so that it'll look plausible when John Barrowman makes his 'sniff the fart' expression.

If you'd like to follow us on Twitter to read more of this kind of nonsense then Rob is RobBuckley, Rev is RevViews and mine is SnarkandFury.


Jane Henry said...

Can't wait to see it appear on our screens.

Aaron said...

I'll give Rusty a call and see what he thinks.

Lisa Rullsenberg said...

Pure genius folks: thanks to you I can already see these episodes in my head.

Hurrumph: thanks for nothing for that!

Aaron said...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.