Web Snark - Torchwood: Web of Lies

Today I was reminded by Rob Buckley that Starz commissioned a Torchwood webseries starring Eliza Dushku. At the time the news was too terrible to contemplate so I blanked it from my mind, but now I have been reminded of it, I must see it. You can watch it too. JOIN ME. Go on, watch it and then come back for some of my thoughts.



That was terrible wasn't it? I mean, really bad. The animation is awful, like something from a flash video from ten years ago. The artwork varies wildly in quality from frame to frame, it seems that whoever is responsible is trying to ape Bryan Hitch without actually being any good. Gwen in particular varies in appearance from frame to frame, just watch how her nose changes shape.

Speaking of Gwen, Eve Myles destroys Eliza Dushku. Eliza's performance is the usual comatose, emotionless reading that she usually delivers. A particular highlight being when she can't muster any kind of strong emotion at the news of the 'death' of her brother. She sounds like she's burnt the toast rather than suffered the loss of a loved one. Eve, to her credit, gives her usual full on Gwen performance.

There's supposed to be an intriguing mystery behind it all as Gwen's scenes are set in 2007 whereas Eliza's character is living through the Miracle Day. Jack is kidnapped but there's no suspense as we all know that he's fine when Miracle Day begins. Plus, who really believes that anything of any real consequence will happen to the main characters in a webseries that only managed 30,000+ views since its release (as of today)?

The blessing is that the episode is only four minutes long so at least it doesn't take up too much of your time. The frightening thing is that the rest of the series is only available on iTunes but someone who was dedicated/insane filmed their PC and put the videos up on YouTube. I believe there are ten episodes in total, you would have to send me real cash money to make me watch more than the first episode. I'm talking upwards of an English pound.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Ten

I have done something special for the series finale. BEHOLD.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Nine

The penultimate episode, the one before the last one, finale-eve. What happened? How will everything tie together? Will anyone die? Will Jack die from his gunshot wound? That was a good cliffhanger wasn't it? I hope they come up with a good way out of that. Let's find out...

2 MONTHS LATER

Oh bloody hell.

Yes two months later and Gwen is ram-raiding a chemist's shop (which looks a lot like an American pharmacy rather than a British chemist, looks like the American crew did the set design for a scene set in Wales). She wears a balaclava until she shoots the shop camera and then takes it off. This is despite there being a witness stood right outside the shop. Clearly the balaclava removal is so that the audience know it's Gwen but it's such a 'TV' thing to do, it shatters the moment. Gwen threatens the old man witness but he politely asks her to steal some painkillers for him so she obliges. Gwen then drives home with her ill-gotten gains where she distributes them to the locals.

Over in Scotland, Jack and Esther are hiding out. Jack's still got a poorly treated gunshot wound but is in no danger of immediate death. So there's the cliffhanger from last episode, neatly dumped in favour of moving the plot along. It's like one of those cliffhangers from an old Republic serial from the 1940s where you know the hero will survive the cliffhanger.

Although in this case I couldn't find the resolution to this cliffhanger so maybe Spy Smasher died. I haven't really proved my point here, have I? Still, that clip was fun wasn't it?

Back in Washington DC, Rex is back with the CIA and running an investigation into The Families. Seems that the null field has been forgotten about in the last two months along with Rex's suspicious behaviour when Jack escaped the CIA's clutches. The CIA can't find The Families on Google so they have no idea where they are, but Rex has found a short story published in 1935 that seems to be based on Jack's adventures in the butcher shop. While Jack was being repeatedly killed, someone was selling tickets to see the undying man and one of the people who saw Jack's repeated resurrections eventually wrote a fictional account. The author's family suspiciously disappeared a few years after the story was published and Rex thinks they may have joined The Families (it's a bit of a leap). The author had a brother who was stabbed to death and the knife is still held in evidence with DNA all over it. Rex thinks that the CIA can obtain the DNA of one of The Families. Traitor Lady recommends a team to perform the DNA test while she does her best not to look incredibly shifty.

Jilly meets up with the agent of The Families where she is told to fly to Shanghai. The agent then says that they will not meet again. That love affair is dead before it starts. Awww.

Back in Wales, Gwen's house is searched by the local Witch Finder. He stalks through Gwen's home in search of her dying father. He's unsuccessful in his attempt to find Gwen's dad because he's hidden behind a wall. He must be having the time of his (un)life living in a damp cellar while constantly suffering from a heart attack. The Witch Finder hisses and creeps off, vowing to find Gwen's dad.

Back in Washington, rather unsurprisingly the DNA search hasn't found anything. Rex decides he wants to read the short story now (I thought he'd already read it so he could find the link in the first place). Traitor Lady manages to act extremely suspiciously during the act of forwarding on a PDF.

Over to Wales again, and Oswald Danes infiltrates the Cooper household. The paedophile goes straight for the Cooper baby so we get the sensationalist money shot of Danes holding a baby. Gwen beats him with a saucepan until Rhys stops her and then Danes can finally explain what he's doing. Seems Danes knows who is behind The Miracle...

Rex has decided to use magic writing analysis software to spot patterns in the short story and now he's going to travel the world visiting authors who wrote structurally similar stories during the 1930s. I think there's a flaw there...

In Wales, Jack triumphantly returns from Scotland and removes the policemen who were spying on the Cooper family by making them drink a bottle of Retcon. Danes then reveals the name of the man behind The Miracle - Harry Bosco. Unfortunately Harry Bosco is an American goverment term used to control the message broadcast by the media. It seems that Jilly was part of the Harry Bosco process but she has now disappeared. They find a Chinese news video on Jilly's stolen laptop but they don't have anyone who speaks Mandarin. For some reason they think it's a good idea to contact Rex in the CIA and ask him for a translation, rather than go to a local college or similar place with Chinese language tutors.

Eventually the video is translated and they find that the person in it says, "The Blessing saved my life." They also discover that the man in the video burned down a blood bank, there is another video on the laptop from Buenos Aires that reports about a blood bank. The police then smash down the door as the team start to figure things out.

The Witch Finder appears and reveals that instead of using a sniffer dog, he has a thermal imaging app on his iPhone. WHY DIDN'T HE USE A SNIFFER DOG OR HIS IPHONE THE FIRST TIME HE SEARCHED THE HOUSE THEN? The iPhone does the job and he finds Gwen's father hidden in the cellar. Gwen's dad is taken away in an ambulance to be burnt. Cue sad music.

Rhys points out (using an inflatable globe) that Shanghai and Buenos Aires are on exact opposite sides of the Earth. SCIENCE. Torchwood then decide to split between the two locations to investigate both sites. Jack, Danes, and Gwen go to Shanghai and Esther and Rex go to Buenos Aires. Danes gets to ride along because Rhys can't be trusted not to kill him while they're away.

Jilly wanders around Shanghai until she meets a mysterious woman with 80s shoulder pads. Jilly is taken into a facility that leads to well... a giant fanny. Seriously.

I think this show just hit... rock bottom.

The crack goes all the way through to the other side of the Earth, so I guess the Earth is hollow now?

In Shanghai, Jack's wound reopens and his blood crawls across the floor as if drawn by something...

NEXT EPISODE: It all ends. Blessed release!

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Eight

Torchwood episode eight continues to pad things out to their inevitably underwhelming conclusion. Here's what happened...

Jack and the team are taken by Nana Visitor to Angelo's stately home, Angelo is alive but not really living as he's incredibly ancient. Angelo is in some kind of convenient being-really-old coma. Nana Visitor tries to explains the pointlessness of last episode's kidnap plot but even Gwen says, "bollocks" to it. Episode seven didn't need to happen because really it could have been as simple as Nana calling Jack up and saying, "Hi Jack, remember Angelo your Italian lover from the 1920s? Well, I'm his granddaughter and he'd like to see you. Is Wednesday good for you?"

Nana goes on to explain that the real enemies are The Families. Three names are given:

If you look really closely you can see a transcript of Gwen saying, "bollocks".

Those names are Abelmarch, Casterdane, and Frines and they don't exist as names anywhere (probably according to a quick google search that Rusty made during production). The Families had samples of Jack's blood which could have been used to create the Miracle but that's quickly dismissed as Jack's blood isn't special. Nana Visitor finally mentions that The Families have found The Blessing, presumably behind The Sofa or in The Shed.

Friedkin (or Newman from Seinfeld) arrives with the CIA to interrupt the exposition fest. Friedkin takes Rex into a room for a light beating, he's working for The Families not the CIA. In fact the CIA are on the way so Friedkin has to shoot Rex before they arrive. Friedkin traced Rex's location via his phone when Rex decided to call Dr Juarez's brother to offer his condolences. Rex is wearing the magic contact lenses which means that Friedkin's confession is filmed and broadcast live to his boss, Shapiro.

Alan Shapiro is played by Q (or John De Lancie if you prefer). Shapiro wants to deport Gwen because she's stroppy with him, it's a good decision. He has Friedkin arrested along with Nana Visitor, they're conveniently placed in the same car so that when Friedkin activates his suicide bomb he can take out both guest stars and none of the regular cast. Seems Friedkin had to blow himself up for failing The Families. Or something. I'm not sure how The Families benefit from Friedkin blowing himself up away from everyone else.

Jack then sits with the comatose Angelo and I begin to think that Starz are going to push the sex scene envelope a little too far. Luckily Jack keeps his trousers on and just talks to the elderly Angelo instead. It's a tender scene until there's some comedy pratfalling as Angelo dies and his life support equipment starts to bleep and Jack doesn't know what to do. Jack does his best Frank Spencer routine until he figures out that he can unplug the machine.

Of course the big revelation is that Angelo died and no-one can die. How did this happen? Well let's sit around for the rest of the episode and have a think. Yes, in another cynical move we are forced to sit through another episode padded out with scenes of characters sitting and having a think while spouting unconvincing dialogue. There is no way this story should have been approved to run for ten episodes.

The tertiary CIA characters from the first couple of episodes make a return to stare into screens and basically do the same job that Esther does but with less crying. The female puts Esther in touch with her sister who is still crazy. Esther's sister has now decided to get herself and her children classed as Category Zero which means she can voluntarily sit in an oven. I'm pretty sure that even in the midst of a crisis they wouldn't allow someone mentally ill to volunteer themselves and their family for the ovens. This makes no sense.

Oswald Danes makes his return in another deleted scene from Alan Partridge. He wants Jilly to fetch him a prostitute, a legal aged one. A perky intern appears and offers her services to Jilly. Jilly decides to hire her without checking her details, which is convenient as perky intern is an undercover CIA agent.

Eventually Jack lets on that there are panels underneath Angelo's deathbed that contain tech stolen from the old Torchwood hub (it was blown up in the last series, fact fans). These magic panels made Angelo immune to The Miracle, somehow. Shapiro deports Gwen when Jack won't give him any information on the panels. Great, this means that there'll be more ridiculous accent scenes in Cardiff in the next episode. Jack eventually explains that the magic panels have created a null field which stops The Miracle from working.

Meanwhile Danes decides to take his prostitute on a date but she refuses on moral grounds (seconds after offering to dress as a school girl and have sex with him). The prostitute laughs at Danes' attempt to be 'normal' and she informs him that he's been classed as Category Zero. Seems the government have now decided that they can re-arrest him and burn him, or something. It does not make sense. Surely he'd be in custody already if that was the case. Jilly confirms this and Danes flips out, punches her and then flees into the night.

Worst game of Twister ever.

Jack studies the panels and reconfigures them to create a zone of silence so that the CIA can't hear him talk to Esther and Rex while they unconvincingly fumble around the panels. Jack explains that he doesn't want the CIA to have the null field technology as it will be used for evil by the government. Esther even says, "it's the same thing as the ovens" so there's the moral debate settled then. Jack asks Rex to get him away from the CIA.

Jilly meets the mysterious EVIL CONSPIRACY man from a couple of episodes ago, he shoots the perky intern and offers Jilly a job with The Families. He then calls the female CIA agent from the earlier scenes, she's part of THE EVIL CONSPIRACY. This is just like 24 but with characters we don't care about. At all.

Rex helps Jack to escape by punching out his colleagues and getting Jack shot. Rex bundles Jack into a car with Esther and tells her to go. Esther has no idea where to go and Jack is bleeding to death. Gwen is on a plane and crying (the inflight movie was Old Yeller).

NEXT EPISODE: This scene but in Wales.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Seven

Hello again, this episode of Torchwood is so flashback heavy it may as well have been filmed with a sepia tone filter. Let's go back in time and find out what Jack got up to the 1920s...

It's 1927 and a cheeky Italian immigrant tries to steal Captain Jack's work visa and sneak into America. Jack tackles the thief to the ground but not before sitting on him and exchanging a look. Oh yeah, they're totally going to get it on. Jack takes a shine to the thief, Angelo, and visits him in the holding cell. Angelo spotted that Jack's visa was forged and this impresses Jack. They begin discussing holiday destinations and Jack decides to use his magic wrist device to forge Angelo a visa.

Back in the present day, Gwen is still freaking out about the EVIL CONSPIRACY using her contact lenses to talk to her. They have Gwen's family under armed guard but won't answer the phone to confirm this, which is a bit odd. Surely the kidnappers would want to prove they have her family? Oh well, lucky for them Gwen believes them anyway.

In the Torchwood office flat, Esther is watching Rex's YouTube snuff video of Dr Juarez's death and Rex walks in. Awkward. We then find out that Rex didn't know much about Dr Juarez or her family, he thinks she may have had a mother or brother somewhere, or something. Whatever, she's dead now.

Gwen bursts into the Torchwood flat and demands to see Jack, she surreptiously grabs a tazer and offers to show Jack something in her car. Esther senses something is awry. When Esther notices your lies, it's time to make up some better ones. Jack falls for Gwen's obvious ploy and ends up tazed in the back of the car.

Back in 1927 Jack rents an apartment with Angelo and they then have BBC uncensored sex. This is probably because it's not as ridiculously gratuitous as the sex scenes in the earlier episode. You know, the episode where Jack decided to suddenly drop his investigation and have sex with a barman. Anyway, they have sex and there are fireworks. SYMBOLISM.

Gwen and Jack have the most awkward road trip ever as Jack wakes up tied and bound on the backseat of the car. Jack decides to talk to the people who live in Gwen's contact lenses, he offers to give himself up in return for the safety of Gwen's family. Gwen freaks out when Jack can't remember her mum's name. Gwen, I've watched and written about every episode in stupid detail and I can't remember your mum's name. I bet Gwen's mum doesn't remember her own name.

In 1927 Jack meets up with a priest who sells him communion wine to flog in a 1920s bootleg stylee. Some stereotypical 1920s thugs suddenly appear and drag Jack and Angelo away.

Just as the 1920s got interesting we're dragged into the present where Jack is trying to bargain with Gwen for his release. Jack hasn't figured out that he's better off staying in the car and meeting the bad guys he wants to find. If he escapes he'll still be none the wiser as to what's happening. Jack, why you so stupid?

Whiplashing back to 1927, Jack is being intimidated by a stereotypical mafioso. The mafia are upset at Jack intruding into their bootlegging turf but Jack manages to talk them round into helping deliver a mysterious box. Jack is told not to look inside the box. What's in the box?

Seriously, what's in the box?

Oh well, we'll find out soon enough. Jack wants to send away Angelo because shit just got real. Angelo makes an impassioned plea so Jack thinks that he can make Angelo his companion, just like the Doctor has companions. Part of the deal will now involve Angelo calling Jack, "Doctor" during sex.

So what is in the box? Puppets! Alien brain worms puppets.

Jack shoots the brain slugs which were going to be used by the Trickster's Brigade to destabilise time by controlling the president of the USA.

No, not that Trickster. THIS Trickster:

I say, I say, I say, my interdimensional creature has no eyes. How does he smell? Awful.

Yes it's a Sarah Jane Adventures/Doctor Who reference for the last remaining members of the US Starz audience. Now they should all  have gone.

Jack's shooting alerts the guards of the warehouse he's in so he and Angelo run away. Then in order to point out that JACK IS NOT THE DOCTOR SO EVERYTHING HE DOES WILL GO WRONG NO MATTER HOW LONG HE LIVES OR HOW COMPETENT HE COULD CONCEIVABLY BECOME, he gets shot in the head. Angelo is somewhat traumatised by this because he doesn't know Jack is indestructible. Angelo gets arrested and taken away by the cops. Oh well, Jack is still alive and I'm sure he'll rescue him...

Back in Gwen's car, Jack tries to get some sleep but Gwen starts banging on about the good old days of Torchwood. She proves that she's a horrible person by claiming she loved the early episodes. She's a monster. Gwen also cries because it's seemingly in the contract for all the female characters to cry at least once per episode. Still, it gives the Esther the episode off from the waterworks. Gwen goes on to say that she will see Jack killed like a dog if it means getting her family back. Jack counters this threat by offering to rip the skin from her skull to stay alive. So there's five years of bonding for you.

In 1928 (uh oh) Jack meets Angelo outside prison. Jack ran off to Los Angeles and left Angelo in prison, Jack spent the time buying a brown coat that's quite similar to the Doctor's. Glad to see he had his priorities straight. Jack takes Angelo back to their old apartment but Angelo isn't too keen on getting it on with Jack. Angelo is Catholic and thinks Jack is the Devil so he's stabs him to death. Then Angelo takes Jack downstairs to the butcher shop and lets the butcher kill him. Then Angelo gathers all the locals who chain Jack up in a basement and take turns killing him. This development is somewhat... silly.

Jack is killed over and over until he wakes and sees three men size him up for purchase. The three men make an agreement and give a funny handshake. Jack fades out of consciousness... He's awoken by Angelo who frees him and cleans him up. Angelo apologises for the whole repeated murder thing and offers to run away with him but Jack decides to leave without Angelo by throwing himself off a roof and then disappearing like Batman.

In the present, Jack and Gwen finally meet up with the EVIL CONSPIRACY. It's Nana Visitor from that there Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Just as the villains look to have the upperhand, Rex and Esther ambush the villains via sniper rifle. Esther and Rex have also arranged for PC Andy to arrive with a SWAT team to rescue Gwen's family.

Jack and Gwen quickly make up and then try to intimidate Nana Visitor. Visitor points out that Jack still needs to find out who is behind it all and namedrops Angelo. Wow, the guy we just learned all about is behind it all. That's surprising.

NEXT EPISODE: Oswald Danes decides to go into ULTRA PAEDO MODE. It's PAEDOGEDDON. Also, Newman from Seinfeld returns.

TorchTat - The Torchwood Merchandise Cavalcade

Do you like buying stuff? Owning things? Do you like buying and owning things that are Torchwood branded/related? With the help of my loyal Twitter followers (using the #torchtat hashtag) I have located the best merchandise associated with Torchwood. BEHOLD.

Prove your appreciation of Torchwood with this certificate. Hang it in your office in place of any stupid qualifications you might have.

Are you still glum about the death of Ianto? Do you wish you could see his Welsh face on demand? Do you want a Ianto that fits in your pocket? A Ianto you could make a tiny wedding dress for? Well you're in luck!

 

Can't access Wikipedia from your Kindle? Need to know in which episode Owen melted into a radioactive puddle? Why not buy a Kindle version of the Torchwood Wikipedia entries?

Do you like Captain Jack? Do you like John Barrowman but not enough to buy something that looks like him? Then why not buy a bust that kind of looks like John Barrowman if you squint really hard and wish?

Are your business cards boring? Do they contain your name and boring occupation? Why not spice it up by pretending to work for two fictional characters? It's the Ianto and Jack business card! With subtle rainbow design!

Looking for that portrait that ties the room together? A conversation starter to hang above the fireplace? I have just the thing.

Are you into cross stitching? This is the perfect pattern for you. Make multiple cross stitcheries and hang them around your home.

Where are your keys? Do you know? DO YOU? You know what would help you keep track of your keys AND protect them from alien molestation? This handy keyring!

I like my cushions but they're missing something. A certain I don't know what. Whatever the French call it. Wait, I've found just the thing - my cushions will look AMAZING.

Do you have a baby? Would you like to make your baby cool? How about a pair of shades and this little number?

This has to be seen to be believed, Torchwood aromatic, magic oils. Yeah.

And finally, do you want a copy of the official Torchwood magazine with a special cover? It looks like Ianto is really creeped out by Jack's hugging.


Thanks to all who contributed, the Twitter names of the guilty are: @FunkJem @markclapham @otherpete @justwillow @welshtroll - they're all lovely and if you're on Twitter you should probably follow them.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Six

This episode was so full of filler I refuse to dignify it with a full recap. Rest assured nothing much happened for the majority of its fifty minute runtime. I have now collected together all the relevant bits of the episode and put them in one handy video.

I messed up and now can't make the video so now it's a half ass lazy recap instead.

Ernie Hudson is Stuart, a man who works for PhiCorp. Jack wants to find him as he thinks he knows everything that's going on. Turns out Stuart doesn't know anything and it's just an excuse to have Winston Zeddemore in an episode. Stuart hires someone to break into a top secret PhiCorp facility, that someone breaks in and finds... something. He then joins the 45 Club and kills himself. Oh yeah there's a "45 Club" that's for people who want to commit suicide. Apparently if you drop 45 floors then you'll fall into a permanent coma.

So the rest of the episode is spent following Jack as he stalks Stuart and everyone he works with. Jack eventually blackmails Stuart's secretary into helping him meet with Stuart and question him about PhiCorp over dinner. Stuart knows nothing. Other than another Russell T Davies 'mysteriously-named-thing-that's-supposed-sound-cool-and-enigmatic-but-isn't' The Blessed. That's all Jack finds out, it takes him half of the episode.

He's looking at me, Ray.

Back in the San Pedro holiday camp, Rex is still on the loose with his video camera, Esther is still pretending to be Esther The Camp Administrator, and Colin is still being creepy and mental. We find out that Colin cannot pronounce the word, 'badminton' he says it, 'bad mitten'. This happens several times and is always hilarious. Rex eventually bluffs his way into trouble in the camp as he cons an increasingly stupid procession of guards. Rex is eventually captured and interrogated by Colin. Colin uses a pen to stab Rex in the heart a bit. This leads to more amazing Meki Phifer-in-pain acting (by 'amazing' I do of course mean shit). Esther eventually blunders her way to Rex's rescue and she uses the signature move of professional wrestler Tazz to take out Colin.

Colin rises from the dead like a B-movie villain but Esther is saved by the unconvincing solider, Ralph. Rex and Esther then escape with their video footage and release it to the world. Torchwood's reveal of death camps to the world is dealt with in a throw away comment at the end of the episode. The evil American politicians don't want to close the death camps, because they are EVIL. Or something. I assume RTD learned everything he knew about American government and corporations from watching Robocop and bad conspiracy thrillers.

As for Gwen's storyline, she spends the episode running around the death camp in Britain. She spends her time sneaking her father out (again) and shouting at a doctor for being a FILTHY NAZI. Yes, the whole concentration camp parallel is dealt with as subtly as usual. Gwen yells, "concentration camp" a bit and then decides to burn everyone in the concentration camp by blowing it up. That'll teach those evil corpse burners! TASTE THE FLAMES OF IRONY.

FRYING TONIGHT!

Gwen returns to America and is informed via a mysterious figure, who hacks into her magic contact lenses, that her family have been kidnapped, she must bring Captain Jack to the EVIL CONSPIRACY. Oh hey, RTD has watched 24, it's that silly part of any 24 season where there's a mole in CTU or someone has their family held captive so they do loads of silly dangerous things that endanger the mission. And we get to see a cheaper, even sillier version! YAY.

NEXT EPISODE: Gwen tazes Jack and takes him for a car ride. They gave it away in the trailer.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Five

The halfway point, the middle, the half-full, the half-empty, the median. There are five more episodes to go after this one, I may not make it through them all.

Just kidding, I will be here for all of them. I've always been here, I will be here forever.

Help me.

The episode begins with Dr Juarez visiting the think tank, only it's not there anymore because the government has decreed that their work is done and they're going to go ahead with the Overflow Camp plan. Dr Juarez is not happy with this so she calls Rex and offers to join Torchwood. Not a wise move, Dr Juarez.

There is then another terrible, awful, gah-make-it-stop series of newsflashes. The gist of them is that there are now various categories of life that people will be subject to. We will have more on that later.

Gwen flies to Wales under the alias of Yvonne Pallister and doesn't have any problems going through customs or with blowing her cover as soon as she meets Rhys in his chauffeur disguise. Gwen meets with her mum who has made one of those crazy Hollywood movie corkboards full of newspaper clippings, red string, and Post-It Notes. Gwen's mum has gathered info on the Overflow Camps and has decided they're bad. She also knows where Gwen's dad is being held. Gwen visits the camp and moans at the military officer in charge until he threatens to have her arrested. Gwen discovers that PhiCorp are running the camps (via a handy leaflet). Gwen vows to break in and rescue her father.

Meanwhile back in California, Esther asks Jack if she's useless. If you have to ask, Esther... Jack decides to call her Useless Esther. In the meantime Dr Juarez has managed to fly over to LA to join Torchwood and Jack decides to tease Rex about their relationship. They deny it like coy teenagers and then Dr Juarez and Rex immediately hook up in Rex's room.

The Torchwood team discuss the categories, so here we go:

Category One - No brain function or technically dead (the average Daily Mail reader).
Category Two - Anyone with an injury (the broadest category ever - how injured do you have to be? A stubbed toe? Broken arm? Ketchup bottle up the bum?).
Category Three - Fine. Okay. No injuries at all. Nothing to see here.

Obviously three categories is ridiculous, which even Rex points out as he reckons he was a 1 and then improved to a 2. Yeah, this show is a proper number two.

In the stolen PhiCorp data from last episode, there is a blueprint for a camp in San Pedro. There's a mysterious 'module'. Get used to the word 'module' it will be said approximately 50,000 times during this episode.

Rex decides to go to the camp in his guise as a category two patient. Jack calls an ambulance for him and Rex is carted off to San Pedro but not before Jack tells the ambulance crew that Rex is gay. Haha. Then Dr Juarez and Esther decide that they don't want Rex to go undercover and have all the fun so they set off to infiltrate the camp. Jack is left on his own so decides to hang around the edges of his own show.

Meanwhile in the Millennium Stadium, Oswald Danes has arrived to give a speech to the masses at the Miracle Rally. Some people aren't happy about having a paedophile at this rally event and throw stuff at him. I roll my eyes and wonder how much more ridiculous this subplot can get. The answer is MUCH MORE.

Rex, Dr Juarez, and Esther all conveniently arrive at San Pedro camp at the same time. Rex is appalled by the coloured peg system that the doctors use on the patient, blue for two (because it rhymes), red for one, and white for three (that doesn't rhyme, unless you use 'shite' for white which still doesn't make sense but makes me feel better). Dr Juarez meets the creepy head of the camp (he's called Colin), she gives the old 'surprise inspection' blag that everyone pulls in TV shows. She claims that she's from Washington to inspect the camp, luckily for her, no-one checks with Washington.

Esther disguises herself as a member of admin staff and meets up with Rex. His cunning plan is to swap his peg to red so they'll take him to wherever it is the category one patients go.

Back in the Millennium Stadium (specifically the corridor that is used in every series of Doctor Who) Danes is menaced by a shadowy Captain Jack. Jack stands at the end of the corridor and then runs off.

The corridor doesn't look right without a TARDIS or Dalek in it.

Back in Wales, Gwen infiltrates the camp while disguised a nurse. Rhys is cunningly disguised as himself... in a lorry. Gwen finds her father and tries to remove him from the camp but he suffers another heart attack. Gwen immediately bottles it and shouts for help from the medical staff. So much for the stealthy extraction.

In San Pedro, Rex is taken to one of the modules where he finds himself in a room full of category one patients. Rex is using a handheld camera to film evidence, even though Torchwood have the magic contact lenses. I know they decided to tell Rex they only work for Gwen but seriously, now's the time to drop the joke and let him use them. Rex lets himself out of the module.



At the Miracle Rally, Jilly meets a mysterious man. He doesn't say who he works for but he does commend Jilly on doing a good job. He is mysterious.

Back in Wales, Gwen finds out that her dad has now been classed as category one. Gwen objects but the nurse is all, "I'm just doing what I'm told. Like a Nazi. Do you see?"

Back at Sega Miracle Rally, Jack confronts Danes and offers him a new speech to read out. It will expose PhiCorp (somehow). He warns Danes about the EVIL CONSPIRACY but Danes starts talking about sweaty armpits. My brain tries to throttle me before I hear any more of this dialogue. Jack tries to sweeten the deal by offering to kill Danes. It doesn't sound like much of a deal to me. Jilly catches Jack talking to Danes and takes Jack's photo. I don't know why that is relevant seeing as the EVIL CONSPIRACY and PhiCorp know what he looks like anyway. Maybe there's an EVIL EVIL CONSPIRACY who don't know who Jack is? I don't know why I'm trying to make sense of this.

Danes begins his speech and stumbles over his words. He decides to go off script and begins to mumble and ramble incoherently about evolution and angels. The script demands that the words be inspiring so the audience (all 12 of them packed into a tiny corner of the Millennium Stadium) applaud and Jilly sheds a tear. He concludes by claiming that everyone is an angel. It is shite.

At San Pedro, Colin turns on the module which is in fact an oven! JUST LIKE THE NAZIS DID IN THEIR CAMPS. DO YOU SEE? THE IMAGERY THE WONDERFUL IMAGERY. Dr Juarez is burned alive (or more accurately burned unalive) and Rex can't figure out how to open the door to rescue her so he films her death instead. Rex is an idiot.

NEXT EPISODE: Ernie Hudson! Colin goes even more mad! Gwen says, "This is just like a concentration camp" for those who found the Nazi allusions too subtle.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Four

Welcome to the fourth episode, grab a cup of tea and read about all the stuff that happened.

We begin with Esther Drummond paying a visit to her crazy sister. Her sister has boarded up her house and refuses to let Esther in. There's a lot of crying and emotions and ACTING. I think you could make up a drinking game based on how many times Esther cries over the series. Esther is worried about her sister's children and thinks they may be in danger so she calls social services. I'm sure that will go well. Little does Esther know, a mysterious man in sunglasses has followed her and he works for the EVIL CONSPIRACY. The conspiracy uses a rotating triangle as its evil symbol, it reminds me of Chocky.

For the record, I used to be scared of those opening titles. Freaky stuff.

The Torchwood team arrive in Venice Beach, California. I hope they become lifeguards. Oh yeah, Torchwood DROVE to California from Washington DC. That would take, how long? A few days, almost a week? It must have been a great team bonding exercise as the crew get out of the car and are still talking to each other.

Meanwhile, Dr Juarez (along with the think tank) is taken to an abandoned hospital. It's going to be reopened as a facility to dump undying patients. I guess that would make it a hospice but a bad one because it's to hide unsightly dying people from everyone else. Let's call it a Wellness Camp.

The Torchwood team rent an apartment by the sea that looks perfectly fine and has a fairground unicorn in it. I don't know why it's there, it's from a carousel. It's one of those things I noticed and couldn't concentrate on anything else. I wonder what it's there for? How did it get there? Well, if the padding in this episode is anything to go by, maybe there'll be a special fairground unicorn episode.

Sorry, I got distracted there. It's revealed that the man who followed Esther to her sister's house has now followed Torchwood to LA. There's also a throwaway line about Jilly Kitzinger being freelance and not actually employed by PhiCorp so there's an out for her character, which will probably lead to her being recruited by Torchwood. Gwen also phones Rhys and tells him to collect her dad from hospital as she doesn't want him to stay somewhere safe and receive medical care.

We then cut to Oswald Danes who is hanging around in his hotel room like Alan Partridge in his Travel Tavern room. He even has Jilly show up as his PA like Alan's Lynn.

Jilly makes it clear that she doesn't like working with Danes as he's a child murderer (further reinforcing her redeemable qualities). Danes learns that there's a rival evangelist on the scene, Ellis Hartley Monroe. She thinks "Dead is Dead" and believes that people who should have died should stop being treated as living beings. Monroe thinks the 'dead' should be gathered up and placed someplace they can wait to die. That's a horrible position to take but still, she's not a paedophile.

We then have DRAMA as Rex visits his deadbeat dad. Rex steals some painkillers from him and then there's lots of shouting and DRAMA. If you've seen 30 Rock then it's just like Tracy Jordan's sad film about the ghetto.

The Torchwood team then plan a break-in of PhiCorp's LA office. The team plan to sneak in and steal some of PhiCorp's computers and replace them with their own so they won't know they're stolen (apart from when they try and use them and they don't work).

Jack and Gwen need to grab some biometrics from one of the PhiCorp employees, Nicholas Frumpkin. Jack and Gwen go to the park disguised as an American couple (complete with Gwen's bad US accent) and take a photo and voice grab of Frumpkin. It's like Sneakers but not good.

Back at the plague pit (or reopened hospital for the terminally undying), things are generally awful. There are old people and babies in there! And there's nothing apparently wrong with them! The horror! Monroe arrives and begins to talk to the assembled media about stinky undying people. Danes arrives too and decides to upstage Monroe by striding into the hospital and deciding to side himself with the undying. Danes gives an uplifting speech to the terminally stupid people in hospital who then decide to let Danes hug a baby. Uh oh. Danes says the baby will live forever and ever and ever and EVER. Yeah, that's creepy.

Monroe leaves in a strop and steps into her limo where she is promptly drugged unconscious by the EVIL CONSPIRACY. In LA the man who followed Esther and Torchwood there attacks Nicholas Frumpkin for his biometrics and takes one of his eyes. Because he's evil.

The Torchwood team go on their mission to PhiCorp but before they begin Esther calls social services and finds out that her sister's children have been taken into care. She's shocked that her sister has been sent to a psychiatric ward too. Well Esther, that's what happens when you report someone for being a mentalist.

Gwen and Jack enter the building, Gwen enters as a sales training business woman and Jack enters as a paper shredder delivery guy. Esther is crying during the mission, take a shot. Jack sets off the fire alarm so that everyone has to leave the building, they then break into the super secret server room using the biometric data they stole.

Rex is bored as he's not allowed to go on the mission. He fills his time by asking Esther what's wrong with her eyes as they're leaking. Esther reveals that her sister was sectioned and Rex gets even more frustrated with everyone around him being incompetent. Rex realises that Esther could have been followed, and indeed they have as the mysterious man arrives and beats and restrains Jack and Gwen. Rex now has to run up several flights of stairs to rescue them, which is a tough task for a man with a perforated heart.

Luckily for Rex the mysterious man likes to talk and blabs for a long time. He wants to find out something from Jack's mysterious past ("What did you give them so long ago?"). Jack refuses to tell him and just as the mysterious man is about to shoot Gwen and tell Jack the name of the EVIL CONSPIRACY, Rex bursts through the door and shoots the guy in the throat. Jack and Gwen are not grateful for the rescue.

Meanwhile Monroe is dropped into a car crusher by the EVIL CONSPIRACY (wasting a perfectly good vehicle in the process). It seems there's not enough room in the media for Monroe in the face of Danes' creepy platform of tolerance.

Back in LA Gwen gets a call from Rhys and finds out that her dad has been taken away by the government and placed in an Overflow Camp. Rhys is in trouble with the missus now.

NEXT EPISODE: Gwen's home movies! Yes, just like in the last series.

Torchwood The Lost Files - The House of the Dead

Cheer up Ianto, it might never happen. Oh wait, it did...

The third and final Lost File is The House of the Dead. I was hoping it would be based on a popular arcade game that I pumped many a pound into during my student days in Cardiff. Here's the original The House of the Dead:

I'm sure you can all agree that it's a work of art. I could get to the final boss on one credit but could never defeat him for some reason. There's also a terrible movie version of The House of the Dead that I have never seen. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, an audio play that has nothing to do with the video above but shares the same title. Sorry I'm wasting your time here, let me get on with it.

This play is set in the most haunted pub in Wales and blah, blah, here's the official blurb:

"The brewery have called 'time' and it's the last night at The House of the Dead - the most haunted pub in Wales. Barry the barman has invited renowned psychic, Mrs Wintergreen, to hold a special seance to mark the occasion, and there's a big crowd hoping for the chance of seeing their deceased loved ones for one last time. But when Jack arrives on the scene, he's determined to stop them. Ianto is puzzled by Jack's behaviour, and Gwen is suspicious. Why is Jack acting so strangely? Then the ghosts start arriving - and all hell breaks loose."

It's difficult to discuss this play in much depth without spouting massive spoilers, there's certainly a lot to discuss around the final 15 minutes of the play but I don't want to spoil anything. It's a slow tale with an absolutely terrible name for the villain, it actually made me laugh when it was revealed. The name reminded me of my attempts at writing superhero fiction when I was 12. Still, terrible name aside the villain is a decent concept and provides a reasonable and rational amount of peril without becoming too silly.

Performance wise we once again have John Barrowman struggling to emote convincingly but he does put in a lot of effort in this play. I'm willing to overlook the dud delivery of some of his lines providing he sounds like he's interested and not just idly flirting and quipping. Eve Myles doesn't feature much in this play, I can only assume she was busy elsewhere or the writer decided not to use her. It's a shame because Eve seems to be the most comfortable audio performer. Gareth David-Lloyd puts in a good shift and handles his scenes very well, the writer gave Ianto plenty to do in this play and David-Lloyd steps up to the challenge. For all the good that the regulars do, the majority of the guest artists undo it by performing in the usual assortment of cod-Valleys accents.

This play is worth a listen if only to hear a decent Barrowman performance and a solid script that makes good use of character history and contains hardly any dialogue clunkers (apart from that villain name, what were they thinking?). The play can be found on YouTube but don't look at the comments as people can't resist posting spoilers.

It's a shame that the TV show appears to have abandoned the episodic format for its stories and moved onto ponderous season long storylines, because occasionally Torchwood can strike lucky and provide entertaining episodes. This episode and Submission before it prove that some writers can craft interesting plots and (reasonably) witty dialogue without turning the show into Carry On Aliens. Alas, Miracle Day and Children of Earth have been ratings hits in the UK so it seems that this collection of audio plays are perhaps the last of a dying breed.

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Three

The third episode has been and gone, but what happened? Don't worry, I'm here to remind you or inform you depending on whether you watched the episode or not. I don't know either way because I'm not in your house watching your every move. Honest.

The episode begins with yet another Oswald Danes TV interview, he's spouting conspiracy theories and claiming he can say what he wants because the government couldn't kill him. It's blissfully short as we cut to Rex interrogating his boss, Friedkin (or Newman from Seinfeld if you prefer). Rex wants to know why Friedkin framed him and Esther and had them thrown out of the CIA. Rex threatens to shoot Friedkin in the brain and Friedkin cracks and gives up his mysterious red mobile phone. Rex then thanks Friedkin by blowing out his eardrums with his pistol. What a bastard. He also uses the line, "Don't go deaf." That is awful action movie speak.

After the opening titles, Gwen comes back from the shopping (that used to be Ianto's job *sniff*) and bumps into a parade of The Soulless cult. They wear masks with sad emoticon faces. They don't do much else. Esther then explains that Americans use different words for things like crisps, lorries, mobiles, and petrol. Gwen is grateful for this advice as she apparently has never ever seen an American TV show or film. Also it seems that people are panic buying food, the food shortage subplot will now be ignored for the rest of the episode.

Colon + Open Bracket for Vendetta

Jack notices Oswald Danes on TV and decides to investigate him along with anyone else making a profit from the current situation. That will be a lot people, Jack.Jack tries to Google 'morphic fields' and gets 10 million results, he then gives up on looking for any info and leaves it for Esther to do as she said her job was to read blogs all day (her and most office workers, I reckon). I don't think Jack has used Google before. Esther doesn't bother with the Google thing and instead digs up a mention of a warehouse in Friedkin's secret files so the crew head off to investigate.

Gwen steals a car and drives on the wrong side of the road, hahahaha, she doesn't know ANYTHING about America. It's like she has a ridiculous gap in her knowledge for humour value, hahahaha. The team break into the warehouse and find that it's full of painkillers produced by PhiCorp. Gwen has heard of PhiCorp and exposits clumsily about how it's a multi national corporation and Rex adds some handy information about how well the painkillers work. They then discover the warehouse is "bigger on the inside" for a gratuitous Dr Who reference. Looks like PhiCorp knew about Miracle Day in advance (or they produce a lot of painkillers, being that they're a pharmaceutical company).

Dr Juarez attends the think tank where no-one knows anything apart from her. The subject of abortion is brought up and some pretty horrific imagery is discussed, but this is mainly a set up for a big dis on a Catholic doctor from Dr Juarez, which I guess the writer of this episode really wanted to fit in. Jilly Kitzinger is present at the think tank and is still an annoying and overacted character. She convinces Juarez to attend a PhiCorp symposium, I think Juarez agrees to shut Jilly up.

Back at the Torchwood... apartment, Rex is desperate to go public with the flimsy PhiCorp evidence that he's accumulated. He wants to bring in a former ally to help expose the truth to the public and arranges to meet his friend in the Freeville Hotel. He then says the name of the hotel again at the end of the sentence then the camera cuts to a shot of a building with Freeville Hotel on it, just in case we forgot what the hotel was called in the few milliseconds it took to change shots. Freeville Hotel.

Rex's friend is arrested at the hotel (can't remember its name) so he has a tantrum and drives off and leaves the rest of Torchwood in street. Jack then decides to go to a gay bar because... uh, he's bored I guess? This leaves Esther and Gwen alone to walk down the street and act sad about their families.

In the gay club Jack finds a bowl of sobriety chips at the bar, because apparently if you can live forever then you're going to say hell to getting sober and well, and instead relapse into alcoholism. It's such a ridiculous and ignorant moment that I'm speechless. Someone on the writing staff needs to actually read up on what alcoholism involves.

Rex can see us! RUN!

Rex breaks into Dr Juarez's apartment and demands she redress his wounds, then they have sex. Jack takes the barman from the gay club home and they have sex. We don't see any of the sex other than a shot of some bums, pre-sexy time as the BBC cut it out. I imagine the scenes were cut because they are ridiculously gratuitous - they don't occur naturally as a result of good storytelling and they're not there to further the plot.

Oswald Danes sneaks out of custody at a nearby motel and visits a diner. This bothers me because the diner is open and not closed or full of people looking to buy food. This is because I remember the food shortage subplot that the writers have forgotten. In the diner Danes is recognised by a couple of customers and chased off as they want to beat the evil paedo to a pulp. Danes is rescued by a couple of nice police offers who drive him to a nice quiet alleyway and beat him to a pulp.

chat, Rex finds out that Juarez is invited to the PhiCorp meeting and he asks her to infiltrate it for Torchwood. Juarez is not happy with this and kicks Rex out. Then Jack drunk calls Gwen and starts babbling about her and him and Ianto, but she ignores him to chat on Skype with Rhys.

Danes is dropped off by the nice policemen and Jilly is waiting for him. She offers the services of PhiCorp and invites him to the meeting.

Dr Juarez agrees to spy for Torchwood and Gwen shows Rex the magic contact lenses from series two and three. For those of you who don't know the lenses work like cameras and allow the Torchwood team to text instructions to the wearer that will appear in his/her line of vision. The lenses can also lipread. Gwen lies to Rex and tells him that the lenses will only work for her so she will be the one to infiltrate the PhiCorp meeting. Dr Juarez lets Gwen into the PhiCorp building and the espionage mission is on.


Jack notices that Danes is in the building and Danes does indeed meet with some shadowy PhiCorp executives. It seems that the evil corporation is so evil that they want to hire a paedophile as their spokesperson. I don't think this plan is going to work without making my brain explode.

In the meeting, PhiCorp announce that all drugs will be available without prescription. I don't know how they managed to convince the government to allow this but it's probably all part of the EVIL CONSPIRACY. So yeah, any drugs without prescription. I'm sure that won't cause more problems than it solves.

Gwen breaks into Jilly's office and downloads some of her files onto a flash drive. Then Friedkin's evil red phone rings, Rex answers but no-one speaks on the other end of the line. Esther cannot trace the call but reasons that the EVIL CONSPIRACY can so they flee the run down apartment that they've been working out of.

Jack goes to the PhiCorp building and encounters Danes. He threatens Danes in an attempt to find out what he's up to. Jack asks if PhiCorp have mentioned him but Danes didn't know who he was until now. Danes then admits to Jack that he doesn't feel sorry for murdering the school girl - he was pretending MWAHAHAHAHAHA! It also turns out that Danes has been hired by PhiCorp to be their new drugs spokesman (of evil). Danes then summons some guards who beat the crap out of Jack. Jack Harkness is not Jack Bauer.

NEXT EPISODE: It's a 1970s BBC TV Christmas special as Torchwood go on holiday to Spain! (It's probably California.)