TV Snark - Torchwood: Children of Earth - Day Two OR Gwen is NOT Jack Bauer

Episode two was more viscerally entertaining than the first episode due to a heavy dose of action but the story is already beginning to feel a bit stretched out...

Recap: Crawling from the wreckage of the Hub, Gwen is attacked by two paramedics who are government hitmen in disguise. She handily defeats them with a fire extinguisher and twin pistols that WILL NEVER BE RELOADED EVER. Ianto crawls from the wreckage too and is shot at by the world's worst sniper, but Ianto jogs away from this threat and escapes into the night.

Gwen turns into Jack Bauer as she interrogates one of the fake paramedics by shooting him in the foot and yelling, "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!" This proves that RTD finally got around to watching 24 and decided to steal liberally from it. She learns that the evil government are hunting Torchwood. She runs directly home but luckily for her the government are inept and haven't already monitored her home - in fact agent Johnson doesn't know where Gwen lives until she finds PC Andy who leads her there. Gwen picks up Rhys and flees into the wild Cardiff night.

Ianto doesn't take refuge, he decides to wander around Cardiff city centre in his bomb damaged clothes before eventually deciding to get in contact with his council estate dwelling relatives via coded letter. Ianto evades capture through dumb luck rather than skill.

Meanwhile, Jack's various body parts are salvaged from the Hub's remains and are zipped up in a body bag and locked in a cell. In a move that surprises no one apart from the people trying to kill him, Jack's body begins to regrow. Evil government agents Johnson decides to chain him up in the cell (giving the audience the cheap thrill of seeing a naked John Barrowman in bondage) and fill the room with concrete.

Gwen and Rhys manage to sneak aboard a truck full of potatoes headed for London, Gwen reveals she's pregnant which causes Rhys to worry a lot more than usual. Gwen arrives in London and makes the bizarre decision of phoning the government that wants her dead. Luckily for Gwen she speaks to the new girl in the civil service, Lois Habiba, who decides to aid Torchwood by leaking secret files and information to Gwen and Rhys over a meal of steak pie and chips.

Callum, the man armed with super power of supersmell doesn't do a lot other than act mental in a pub and smell something that makes him run around a lot.

Gwen and Rhys manage to infiltrate the secret facility that is holding Jack (due to two inept guards that really shouldn't be guarding a top secret building) but they eventually make a mess of things and are discovered. Gwen fires her two pistols a lot whilst being entirely unconvincing. Just as Johnson is about to capture Gwen and Rhys, Ianto shows up in a big forklift truck and steals the now encased in concrete Jack. The Torchwood team escape in the very slow truck while vehicles explode and the government doesn't really bother to follow. To quote The Simpsons, "They're very slowly getting away!"

In a scene that seems to last forever, Ianto...very...slowly...drops...the...concrete...block...into...a...quarry. This releases Jack giving us some shots of John Barrowman's arse. The Torchwood crew are reunited and drive off.

The government have followed some detailed instructions sent by the 456 to construct something. That something turns out to be a dry ice room, or a special chamber filled with a poisonous atmosphere to house an alien, depending on how willing you are to suspend your disbelief. The creepy man who built the chamber looks into it and breathes heavily on the glass. That is our cliffhanger for episode two. Rubbish.



Thoughts: Children of Earth's structure is beginning to resemble an overlong old series Doctor Who adventure, the plot is somewhat thin and is beginning to crack already under the pressure of sustaining five episodes. Although there was some much needed action as Gwen did her best Jack Bauer impression, the 456 plot didn't really progress other than having Torchwood escape the immediate trouble they were in. The aliens announced that they would appear tomorrow, which given the daily format, seemed to break the fourth wall as they were basically announcing they would arrive in the next episode. Other than that, the civil servants conducted more meetings and read some memos and built a special chamber. The lack of advancement of the overall story made this episode seem like mid storyline filler - the equivalent of the Doctor and companion running down corridors, getting captured, and then escaping again.

The fact that Torchwood still aren't coming across as competent is frustrating as they seem to get by on luck and coincidence rather than meticulous planning and competence. The attempt at crafting spy thriller action into the show immediately conjures up thoughts of 24, The Bourne Identity and Casino Royale, which causes Torchwood to appear as the ridiculous sci-fi show that it is. Gwen's unconvincing gunplay is particularly embarrassing.

What I found frustrating is that RTD (as script editor, he didn't write this episode) is recycling ideas from his tenure on Doctor Who as the council estate characters rise up to aid Ianto in a fashion similar to Rose's mother and Mickey. This isn't a bad idea by any means but it is one we've seen before in the same universe and the Torchwood audience will be fully aware of it.

On some levels I enjoyed this episode more than the first because it provided cheap action thrills, gave me something to laugh at (as Torchwood's inherent silliness and stupidity crept back in,) and it didn't make my attention deficient brain seek other distractions. But despite the titillation this was a step back to Torchwood's childish roots as it attempts to act grown up, like a small child trying on Daddy's business suit and then playing in the mud.

TV Snark - Torchwood: Children of Earth - Day One OR How Not To Kidnap A Child

Torchwood has returned as a five part, daily show on BBC One. Has the format improved the show or has it regressed from the progress made in season two? Let's find out...

Recap: In 1965 Scotland a group of children are unloaded from a bus to meet with a large ball of light. All the children, bar one, advance into the light and disappear. In the present day, children all across the world suddenly stop still and chant "We are coming" in English (no matter their native language.) Torchwood investigate when Gwen and Rhys (of all people) notices a strange pattern in the children's behaviour. Jack and Ianto decide to help by kidnapping family members. We find out that Jack has an adult daughter and a young grandson whereas Ianto has a sister who lives on an estate where the Torchwood SUV is stolen (again.) They both fail to obtain children to experiment with.

A young doctor by the name of Rapesh comes close to joining Torchwood after witnessing Jack and Ianto removing an alien parasite from a dead body. Rapesh also claims that a racist alien is killing non-whites in Cardiff. Unfortunately Rapesh fails the Torchwood job interview when he starts talking about suicides.

The government spend the day panicking about something called the 456 (an alien radio frequency), which sounds disturbingly similar to The 4400 given the subject matter of alien abduction. The government (in the shape of Mr Frobisher, who I hope turns out to be a shape changing penguin) decide to terminate Torchwood before they uncover anything about their dealings with the aliens.

Gwen investigates the children phenomenon and discovers that one adult succumbed to the mass chanting, Clement McDonald. He was the boy from 1965 that didn't step into the light. He is living in a mental hospital, scared to mention his real name and possesses the power of supersmell. He can sniff out lies, pregnancy, aliens, and government agents. I don't know why.

Rapesh meets up with Jack to try and provide him with a child for experimentation (after Jack and Ianto fail at borrowing family members) but Rapesh shoots Jack dead and summons Johnson, a government agent who kills Jack again for good measure and implants a bomb in his chest. Johnson then kills Rapesh to tidy up the loose ends. She also orders agents to pick up Clement McDonald but he uses his supersmell powers to escape capture.

Gwen races back to the Hub to use the advanced technology there to confirm she's pregnant. Jack is scanned too and it's revealed there's a bomb in his chest. Gwen and Ianto flee the Hub as Jack explodes and destroys the building (no one mentions Myfanwy the pterodactyl though, did she survive?)



Thoughts: Well, it was okay. Sort of. It was a different Torchwood to the usual fare, being slower paced and more down to earth. This episode focused more on character than events as the show reintroduced Jack and Ianto's relationship and progressed Gwen and Rhys's marriage to the next step via a pregnancy. The government scenes were sketchy enough not to actually explain anything other than providing some vague motivation for a cover up that involves the destruction of Torchwood.

All of this would be fine and well in a slower paced mystery but this is Torchwood and we expect something a bit more exciting and ridiculous! This episode seems to be caught between a political thriller and a Torchwood investigation and it never really manages to convince as either. The performances and tone seem to shift too frequently to really get a feel for what the story should be, one moment Gwen is trying to connect with a disturbed man and the next he's sniffing her hand and giggling at 'gizmos'. Ianto's home life was a terrible scene as the council estate cliches leap to the fore with dialogue such as, "Have you gone bender?" and the theft of the Torchwood mobile, which makes the organisation look comically inept during a serious story about government conspiracy. As such, the episode never really settles into a rhythm.

The episode, for me, wasn't sufficiently entertaining on its own as it seemed to lay the foundations for the rest of the story. Hopefully things will pick up in the second episode (the trailer suggests that Gwen indulges in some violence) and the show can provide some action to go with the somewhat dated story of alien abductions and conspiracy theories (because this story seems to have come from the X-Files circa 1994.)

Audio Review - Torchwood the Radio 4 Plays

In preparation for the impending doom that is Torchwood Week, I decided to listen to the three Radio Four plays broadcast last week. It was a mistake...



The first play is 'Asylum' and it's available here. Have a listen if you dare, or start listening then skip to the last couple of minutes because you won't miss anything. The plot focuses on a teenage girl who arrives in present day Cardiff through one of the rifts that always flares up and dumps time lost people in the city centre. PC Andy arrests the girl after she's accused of shoplifting and then we spend forty God damn minutes listening to Gwen, Andy and the girl discussing bath water, future immigration laws, crap future slang, and future racism. What will happen to the girl and where does she come from? You honestly won't care after about ten minutes in.

It's excruciatingly dull and doesn't take advantage of the format (audio should mean that your special effects budget is only limited to the number of unusual noises you can make) to include any spectacle or high concepts. Frustratingly, the episode even gives Ianto next to nothing to do other than be someone for Jack to talk to and explain events. Yes, even though the Torchwood crew is down to three members, Ianto still can't do anything other than follow Jack around and occasionally ask questions. Oh, wait a minute, he did do the shopping at one point.

I can't stress how dull and unimaginative this story is. It may as well be an episode of The Bill with future half-alien girl replaced with a homeless Polish immigrant run away. Torchwood is a show of wildly varying quality but this is quite simply awful and possibly the worst of the lot due to it containing nothing of interest, wit, or excitement.

The next play was of slightly more interest but was oh so stupid:



'Golden Age' is set in modern day Delhi. Jack and co have followed traces of an energy field there and are keen to find out what's creating it. Ianto discovers that a shipment of technology with the name Jack Harkness emblazoned on it has been delivered to a familiar looking gentleman's club. Jack last visited the club 80 years ago when it was Torchwood India and is shocked to find everyone he met then is inside alive and well. How are they still youthful? What is generating the strange energy field? If you can't figure it out within five minutes then you are quite possibly a human vegetable.

'Golden Age' suffers from a thin plot and a clumsy script. Whilst the ideas contained within are suitably imaginative, they're very simplistic and are immediately hamstrung by some awful dialogue and performances from the guest artists. The Duchess is the leader of Torchwood India (which only seems to consist of her and a butler and an Indian servant) and she starts of as a mad woman and degenerates from there, it's an incredibly over the top performance. I also noted a couple of lines of dialogue that are not only awful, but are delivered terribly by the actors.

Captain Jack: "I didn't choose to be immortal; I just can't die... no matter how hard I try... and that's just wrong!"

For some reason John Barrowman decided to inject some Shatneresque pauses in his delivery making the line much worse than it already is.

Next was this exchange where the villain's device was given an incredibly stupid name:

Captain Jack: "What is it? What did you keep?"
The Duchess: "A time store, that's all - a space refrigerator."

A space refrigerator. Really? Jack then goes on to suggest that you should use it to store a bacon sandwich instead of people. I hope the bacon is made from space pigs otherwise you could just save money and buy a regular fridge.

The whole episode focuses on Gwen, Ianto and Jack being given a very long and tedious tour around Torchwood India. Gasp as they see - the lawn! The rose garden! The kitchen! The whole episode contains padding from start to finish; long conversations about what drinks characters are ordering, the incidental music between scenes seems to go on for a few seconds more than usual, dull descriptions of rooms, it's an exercise in tedium when the solution to the mystery is obvious. Torchwood India only deceive Jack and co because Jack and the others are curiously too polite to call them on their bullshit.

Ultimately it's an interesting concept that has no meat on the bones, you'll feel like you're being told a once entertaining story by an incredibly dull chartered accountant.



The third and final play, 'The Dead Line' sees an evil phone network send people into comas. Jack is stupid enough to ring the evil phone number and he receives a call that sends him into a deep coma. Ianto spends the episode sitting by Jack's bedside, leaving Gwen (with the help of husband Rhys) to do the investigative legwork. What is this insidious phone menace? Where did it come from? All signs point to the premises of an old abandoned building society...

This is probably the most competent of the three plays but suffers, like the others, from having a somewhat leisurely pace. Still, at least this play has supporting characters that aren't annoying or over the top like the previous ones. Rhys was a welcome inclusion in this episode as his common sense adds something that the Torchwood team usually lack, and the big oaf is likeable enough.

Of the three, this is closest to an actual episode of Torchwood but still suffers from a lack of scale or big 'visuals' that audio could conjure. It's a bland piece of entertainment, it won't engage you on many levels but it won't have you shouting at the radio in frustration.

Robin Hood Cancelled Just After Blogger Busts His Ass Recapping It

Well it looks like the final episode of Robin Hood series three was its last, as reports of its cancellation have hit the news.

Hop on over to Dan's Media Digest and The Guardian for details and quotes.

The last episode was a good way for the show to go and without (*deep breath*) Richard Armitage, Keith Allen, Lara Pulver and Jonas Armstrong it would have been a totally different series, especially with a rumoured change of location from Hungary to Scotland. I'm not sad it's gone and I hope the BBC use the money saved to come up with another piece of imaginative entertainment. I've said before that I'd rather the BBC try to produce thrilling and engaging shows than not try at all, even if the shows so far have been disappointing.

But hey, Robin Hood can hold its head high because it wasn't anywhere near as bad as Demons.

TV Snark - Robin Hood: Something Worth Fighting For (Part Two) OR In This Issue - EVERYONE DIES!

Are you ready to say goodbye to the third season of Robin Hood? Don't worry, I'm sure everyone will be fine...



Continuing from last episode, the Sheriff is besieging Nottingham castle with his army of Hungarian guards. Robin and Guy decide to ride out to meet him and find out how the Sheriff survived Guy's attack a few episodes ago. Apparently Guy just didn't make sure that the Sheriff was dead and so he recovered from the wound. Oh, okay then. Obviously we, as the audience, know this because we saw the Sheriff give the old twitch of life at the end of that particular episode but still, he could've come up with something clever. Also, he gave a Guy a warning as he lay dying that, "nothing is as it seems" and that didn't go anywhere did it? Still, quibble, quibble.

The Sheriff grows tired of the parley and decides to unleash his devastating new weapon that won't backfire on him like all the other super weapons he's ever had. A trebuchet launches a cask of Byzantine Fire into the city which set fires to a couple of mook peasants who were simply sitting around. The Sheriff gives Robin an ultimatum, he must hand over Guy, Isabella, and the castle or be wiped off the face of the Earth. Robin has no clever retort so he just scowls and rides off. At this point I'm wondering why the Sheriff is playing fair and letting Robin and Guy go, I mean he's a cheating bastard why doesn't he shoot the two men and storm the castle minus its two leaders? Oh well, I'm far too practical, I'd never be a good medieval despot.



The opening titles roll and I realise (after watching the episode) that they inserted scenes from old episodes into the flashing teaser images. Seems they decided to protect the audience from inadvertent spoilers, which is probably one of the few things the production has got right.

Archer, Tuck and Kate examine the remains of the Byzantine Fire bomb. Obviously Archer knows all about the stuff ("it's sticky, like oil!") and Tuck decides that he can use his SCIENCE to produce more of the stuff if he can figure out the compound. Yeah, Tuck, sure you can.

Guy points out that Robin could have killed the Sheriff earlier but Robin gives some excuse about morals and ENGLAND and stuff. Whatever Robin, you and your flexible morals. Robin decides that Allan needs a funeral so Robin says some brief words and burns the body. Well, that was brief wasn't it?

Guy visits Isabella and they banter a bit about killing each other, in that cute way that siblings do. Guy can't murder her so he gives Isabella some poison to kill herself with if the army storms the castle. I'm sure that will prove to be a wise decision.

Kate decides to hop over the wall to find troops in Loughborough and raise the siege. Yes, the least capable outdoorsman of the Merry Men is going to stealth past the Sheriff's army. Sure.

The Merry Men hold a meeting and moan at Archer for selling Byzantine Fire to the Sheriff in the first place. Guy also points out that Archer tried to kill them earlier that day too. Archer declares that Robin has put peasants' lives in danger by using them as a makeshift army, then he strops off.

Robin decides that he needs to use a crack squad to take out the trebuchets. Robin leaves Much in charge, which means Much is competent this week then? Robin takes Little John, Tuck and Guy with him on the raid. Two of that group are big and loud, not ideal for sneaking into an enemy camp at night. Despite the potential for two oafs to ruin it, the Merry Men sabotage the trebuchets by causing them to launch the missiles straight up into the air and land on them. That's a complicated bit of sabotage but hey, it looked spectacular with the explosions and whatnot. Robin and co almost get captured when the Sheriff's men prepare to attack the castle early but Archer rides to the rescue and they escape back inside the fortifications. That has to be one of the shortest 'quitting the band/team/group' sequences ever.

Meanwhile Isabella tempts her jailer into letting her out for some hanky panky. The jailer is dumb enough to fall for it and Isabella stabs him as a reward. In the show's defence, prisoners escape from the dungeons all the time and the jailer turnover must be pretty high, so I guess they just hire anyone to guard the cells now. He was probably Hungarian and didn't know what was happening anyway. I notice that Lara Pulver sure is pretty when she's not contorting her face into a Cruella De Vil impression.



There's some exciting sword and arrow play as the army storms the castle and breaks down the main doors. Robin and co defend the castle with lines of archers and hit and run tactics, causing me to wonder if someone has actually had a think about the military tactics in this episode. Well done, better late than never.

The fighting continues until the Sheriff produces Kate as a hostage. The Sheriff tells Robin that he captured Kate on her way back from Loughborough (she must have a car because there's no way she's making that journey in a few hours). There will be no relief army as King Richard has been captured and held to ransom by Leopold of Austria and his troops won't fight without him. Robin points out that the Sheriff earlier claimed that he wouldn't take any prisoners, but the Sheriff points out that if he kills everyone, he won't have anyone to tax. Yay! Finally, an episode where someone realises that killing all the peasants would be bad for the economy. Is Robin Hood trying to redeem itself in one last effort? Robin stalls the Sheriff while Much dangles himself down from the battlements and snatches Kate away from peril.

The invading army retreats for now and Robin and Kate reunite. Robin then delivers a stirring speech about things and stuff, there's a lot of shouting. The respite isn't long though as the army's archers begin to invade and start shooting at the Merry Men. While there's some more exciting combat, Sheriff and Blamire decide to use the secret tunnel from last episode to invade the castle but they run into Archer's trapped chamber. The trap is long gone but the heavy door that sealed the room off isn't, so the Sheriff decides to blast through it with Byzantine Fire (whatever happened to good old pitch? I remember in the second series when it was used to burn and explode everything.)

Tuck has figured out the composition of Byzantine Fire, the base of which is nut oil that the Sheriff just happens to have gallons of in the castle stores. Of course.

Isabella distracts Guy into following her beneath the castle. Archer tags along too because he's got nothing else to do at the moment. The two men are in the tunnels to hear the Sheriff blow up the door, Archer runs off to fetch Robin while Guy stalks after Isabella. Guy soon catches up with her and she offers Guy his poison back so he can use it on himself. Oh, burn! The Sheriff arrives too and decides to fight Guy one on one, despite having lost to him last time. When did the Sheriff develop a sense of fair play? Robin and Archer arrive to help Guy and a three way battle commences.

The fight ends when Guy pushes Robin out of the way of an Isabella backstab (she still manages to slice Robin's neck though) but gets impaled by the Sheriff and Isabella for his efforts. Everyone stops fighting because the play fighting has ended up with someone getting hurt and someone's got to run and get an adult. Isabella gloats at having killed Robin as her dagger was coated in Guy's poison, she reckons Robin will be dead by sundown. Mwahahahahaha! The Sheriff and Isabella conveniently retreat to gloat.



Now Richard Armitage has his death scene and it's quite well done as Guy thanks Robin for redeeming him and allowing him to die proud and free. *Sniff* Bye Guy, you dressed as a silly Goth person most of the time but you were probably the most interesting character on the show. Plus, it was easy to make jokes about you. Robin ruins the scene by not crying, "Noooooooooooooo!"

Robin evacuates everyone into the side tunnels underneath the castle so they can slip past the Sheriff's invading army unseen. Little John gets to perform a feat of strength as he pulls the grating off the tunnel exit (it's in his contract.) Robin kills a guard on the way out but he's ailing from the poison as he huffs and puffs his way to the forest with the peasants. Robin then confides in Tuck that he's going to die.

After everyone has fled into the forest, Robin and Archer head back to the castle to perform one last trick shot. Robin shoots an arrow into the room where the Byzantine Fire is kept and where the Sheriff and Isabella are currently standing and wondering where everyone has got to. The arrow lands in a barrel. There's a comedy double take from the Sheriff when he realises that the barrels are full of Byzantine Fire...



Robin and Archer flee as the entire castle explodes.



One minute it's there, the next it's gone.



The Sheriff, Isabella and all of the Hungarian guards are killed in one fell swoop. There's a decent bit of CGI to make the crumbling castle look good. Obviously the idea of one explosion being large enough to destroy the ENTIRE castle is very silly but at least it was a big finish.

Robin rejoins the Merry Men where it's revealed to everyone that he's going to die. Robin delivers a pep talk to each Merry Man and Archer to remind them to continue the franchise. Robin leaves Kate so he can die alone and see his dead wife manifest before him. Yes what's her name; Mable, Maureen, erm Marian! That's it.



Marian appears and she and Robin embrace and then giggle in each others arms. Robin then slowly passes away. It's quite well done and Marian at least is wearing something approaching noble lady's garb rather than the Topshop stuff she used to wear when she was alive. I was disappointed that Robin didn't regenerate though.

The Merry Men hold a funeral for Robin and decide to continue the fight against tyranny because they are all Robin Hood (which the series has seeded as a concept since the second series at least, so well done there) thus continuing the franchise for at least another season.



Ultimately, this episode was the best of the entire series. The plot was plausible, there were no dialogue clunkers and whilst there were signs of the traditional lazy plotting and shortcuts, it didn't offend too much. Each character death was wrung for all its emotional worth and whilst there was a bit of cribbing from other films, Robin trails his hand in the grass in one moment that was straight from Gladiator and the spectral wife come to visit as he lay dying reminded me of The Crow, at least they cribbed the good bits. Overall Robin Hood series three was much improved on the previous efforts but it still was never in danger of being a GOOD show. Prince John livened proceedings with his ridiculous behaviour and Isabella was an intriguing romantic interest before she went completely mental. Guy became entertaining once he became a Merry Man and I would've like to have seen a couple more episodes with him in that role. Unfortunately the improved elements are mostly gone now and the show is left with the weaker characters. If Robin Hood is commissioned for another series I hope there is a focus on delivering stories that were as exciting and, well, at least as competent as this one.

NEXT EPISODE - Nothing.

BUT - Torchwood week begins next week!


Oh God, why do I do this?

Torchwood Season Four - The Honest Truth

Twitter was awash yesterday with one of the hottest trending topics to hit it since its launch. No, not that story - Torchwood. Yes, Torchwood season three begins on Monday 6th July at 9:00pm and continues throughout the week until Friday 10th. In honour of the return of the BBC's flagship awful programme, and the series that began my whole snarky recap adventure, Rob Buckley, Rev/Views and I speculated what would appear in the potential fourth season of the show (providing season three doesn't get the whole thing cancelled.) What follows below is a more or less direct transcription of our intense brain storming session from our Twitter accounts. It has been slightly edited to be a little more coherent.

Rob: Oh God no. Not only Torchwood Children of Earth plaguing TV for a week, but three plays on Radio 4 the week before. Have mercy BBC!

Rev: You never know, Torchwood might turn out to be good. Stranger things have happened.

Rob: Gwen with two guns in the trailer says 'No'. Lack of Chris Chibnall, writing of Rusty says, 'Maybe'.

Aaron: Oh man, I go to the pub and I miss out on ripping on Torchwood. Damn.

Rev: Hmm, well how about we carry on ragging on them now?

Rob: Certainly there's plenty of mileage to be had with the idea of Radio 4's version of "Torchwood India", surely?

Rev: Torchwood India? With Bollywood style singing sequences? Sign me up!

Aaron: Bollywood musical sequences would probably make the action more convincing.

Rob: It's true. I'm not making it up. "Jack is shocked to find that Torchwood India is still going strong" http://bit.ly/P4gIs

Aaron: This outsourcing is getting ridiculous!

Rob: "Can I ask what the nature of your alien invasion is?"

Aaron: If the alien looks human but with an animal's head, press 1.

Rob: "Hi, you're through to Captain Jack's 'I'd shag that' line. Human with a horse's head you say...?"

Aaron: If the alien is a spooky clown or some other cheap make-up & costume effect, press 2.

Aaron: If the alien is a kinky, sex obsessed lesbian press 3.

Aaron: If the alien is actually a traveller from the future with an ulterior motive, press 4.

Aaron: If the alien is a Dalek, please hold whilst we scream for the Doctor.

Rob: "For all other enquiries, press 0 to hear a Welsh former WPC scream and then start running because it's all too frightening"

Aaron: I think we've just written an episode for the next series.

Rob: The series 4 Torchwood reboot: evolutionary not revolutionary. "More of what you already know, just more honestly described"

Aaron: Torchwood S4e1 - Gwen Cooper Buys A Skirt. But It's Cursed.

Rob: Ep 2. Jack's on holiday in Malia so Ianto and Gwen have to stop some aliens intent on taking over Mermaid Quay as far as Tesco.

Rev: Why only as far as Tesco? Does the chain have some alien repellent technology it's hiding? Oooo Conspiracy.

Rob: As has been demonstrated before, aliens on Torchwood often have very limited ambitions.

Rob: "We've got the restaurants, we've got the bars, we've even got Harry Ramsden's. Do we need more than the supermarket and an ATM?"

Aaron: Yesssss. The Tessssscossss. It issssss the key to victory!

Rev: Is it just me, is acting in Torchwood like Joey's "techniques" in Friends? Something's wrong, quick use "smell the fart" faces.

Aaron: That's what's known in the business as ACTING! You have to say it in a bold baritone. Barrowman is king of smellthefart technique.

Aaron: Ep 3. Jack Installs Windows 7.

Rob: Coupled with intense typing, which always indicates clever computer work? Rather than lots of pointing and clicking.

Rob: Product placement on the Beeb? He may install "Generic OS 6.5" but that's all.

Rev: And which episode of Torchwood will have Owen return as the Radioactive Zombie Hulk?

Rob: Has there been an ep of Who with a radioactive zombie Hulk that the Mill can nick the FX shots from because the budget's blown?

Rev: Couldn't they just get Burn Gorman to wear a muscle suit, green make up and refer to himself in the third person? "Owen Smash!"

Rob: "OWEN SMASH SO HARD YOU FORGET WHO YOU ARE!"

Rev: Sections of the internet explode with Captain Jack & Radioactive Owen Hulk slash fiction.

Aaron: I fear a radioactive Owen with a cannister of alien rohypnol.

Aaron: Ep 4 Torchwood Staff Party! Owen's melted head guest stars!

Aaron: Ep 5. Ianto Goes to Night School. The Teachers are Aliens!

Rob: Ep 6. Torchwood investigate a haunted mine and discover it's really just an old man with a sheet over his head. And an alien.

Aaron: Ep 7. Torchwood visit an old fair ground; they think it's haunted but it's just their imagination. Then they all laugh together.

Rob: Ep 8. Jack takes his coat to the cleaners and discovers it's really black, just a bit moldy: alien mold that makes you horny.

Aaron: Ep 9. Gwen eats a curry that allows her to see through time. Ianto does the dishes.

Rob: Ep 10. Jack discovers the Eisteddfod has been infiltrated by shapeshifters disguised as bards so shoots the lot of them. And misses.

Rev: So I guess at Ep 10 it's time to reveal the BIG BAD who's (not) been hinted at all season.

Aaron: Ep 11. Ianto & Jack go on holiday and bump into homophobe Jim Davidson. It's awkward.

Rob: Ep 12. Secretly, some time and motion efficiency experts have been watching Torchwood - and now want to eliminate the waste.

Aaron: EP13 Season Finale. Ianto takes a Duvet Day. Gwen makes the tea instead. Jack downloads some porn but feels hollow & guilty.


I think the BBC will be very interested in this because:

1. We knocked this together and plotted an entire season in about an hour. Meaning that we'd save time on plotting and could spend more time on thinking of rude words to include in the dialogue.

2. We present a bold new vision of Torchwood; yes, we've seen them order pizza but have we really seen them do the dishes afterward? You won't believe what cleaning products they use!

3. We will probably have one of the aliens be a sentient fart so that it'll look plausible when John Barrowman makes his 'sniff the fart' expression.

If you'd like to follow us on Twitter to read more of this kind of nonsense then Rob is RobBuckley, Rev is RevViews and mine is SnarkandFury.