Sunday, 14 August 2011

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Five

The halfway point, the middle, the half-full, the half-empty, the median. There are five more episodes to go after this one, I may not make it through them all.

Just kidding, I will be here for all of them. I've always been here, I will be here forever.

Help me.

The episode begins with Dr Juarez visiting the think tank, only it's not there anymore because the government has decreed that their work is done and they're going to go ahead with the Overflow Camp plan. Dr Juarez is not happy with this so she calls Rex and offers to join Torchwood. Not a wise move, Dr Juarez.

There is then another terrible, awful, gah-make-it-stop series of newsflashes. The gist of them is that there are now various categories of life that people will be subject to. We will have more on that later.

Gwen flies to Wales under the alias of Yvonne Pallister and doesn't have any problems going through customs or with blowing her cover as soon as she meets Rhys in his chauffeur disguise. Gwen meets with her mum who has made one of those crazy Hollywood movie corkboards full of newspaper clippings, red string, and Post-It Notes. Gwen's mum has gathered info on the Overflow Camps and has decided they're bad. She also knows where Gwen's dad is being held. Gwen visits the camp and moans at the military officer in charge until he threatens to have her arrested. Gwen discovers that PhiCorp are running the camps (via a handy leaflet). Gwen vows to break in and rescue her father.

Meanwhile back in California, Esther asks Jack if she's useless. If you have to ask, Esther... Jack decides to call her Useless Esther. In the meantime Dr Juarez has managed to fly over to LA to join Torchwood and Jack decides to tease Rex about their relationship. They deny it like coy teenagers and then Dr Juarez and Rex immediately hook up in Rex's room.

The Torchwood team discuss the categories, so here we go:

Category One - No brain function or technically dead (the average Daily Mail reader).
Category Two - Anyone with an injury (the broadest category ever - how injured do you have to be? A stubbed toe? Broken arm? Ketchup bottle up the bum?).
Category Three - Fine. Okay. No injuries at all. Nothing to see here.

Obviously three categories is ridiculous, which even Rex points out as he reckons he was a 1 and then improved to a 2. Yeah, this show is a proper number two.

In the stolen PhiCorp data from last episode, there is a blueprint for a camp in San Pedro. There's a mysterious 'module'. Get used to the word 'module' it will be said approximately 50,000 times during this episode.

Rex decides to go to the camp in his guise as a category two patient. Jack calls an ambulance for him and Rex is carted off to San Pedro but not before Jack tells the ambulance crew that Rex is gay. Haha. Then Dr Juarez and Esther decide that they don't want Rex to go undercover and have all the fun so they set off to infiltrate the camp. Jack is left on his own so decides to hang around the edges of his own show.

Meanwhile in the Millennium Stadium, Oswald Danes has arrived to give a speech to the masses at the Miracle Rally. Some people aren't happy about having a paedophile at this rally event and throw stuff at him. I roll my eyes and wonder how much more ridiculous this subplot can get. The answer is MUCH MORE.

Rex, Dr Juarez, and Esther all conveniently arrive at San Pedro camp at the same time. Rex is appalled by the coloured peg system that the doctors use on the patient, blue for two (because it rhymes), red for one, and white for three (that doesn't rhyme, unless you use 'shite' for white which still doesn't make sense but makes me feel better). Dr Juarez meets the creepy head of the camp (he's called Colin), she gives the old 'surprise inspection' blag that everyone pulls in TV shows. She claims that she's from Washington to inspect the camp, luckily for her, no-one checks with Washington.

Esther disguises herself as a member of admin staff and meets up with Rex. His cunning plan is to swap his peg to red so they'll take him to wherever it is the category one patients go.

Back in the Millennium Stadium (specifically the corridor that is used in every series of Doctor Who) Danes is menaced by a shadowy Captain Jack. Jack stands at the end of the corridor and then runs off.

The corridor doesn't look right without a TARDIS or Dalek in it.

Back in Wales, Gwen infiltrates the camp while disguised a nurse. Rhys is cunningly disguised as himself... in a lorry. Gwen finds her father and tries to remove him from the camp but he suffers another heart attack. Gwen immediately bottles it and shouts for help from the medical staff. So much for the stealthy extraction.

In San Pedro, Rex is taken to one of the modules where he finds himself in a room full of category one patients. Rex is using a handheld camera to film evidence, even though Torchwood have the magic contact lenses. I know they decided to tell Rex they only work for Gwen but seriously, now's the time to drop the joke and let him use them. Rex lets himself out of the module.

At the Miracle Rally, Jilly meets a mysterious man. He doesn't say who he works for but he does commend Jilly on doing a good job. He is mysterious.

Back in Wales, Gwen finds out that her dad has now been classed as category one. Gwen objects but the nurse is all, "I'm just doing what I'm told. Like a Nazi. Do you see?"

Back at Sega Miracle Rally, Jack confronts Danes and offers him a new speech to read out. It will expose PhiCorp (somehow). He warns Danes about the EVIL CONSPIRACY but Danes starts talking about sweaty armpits. My brain tries to throttle me before I hear any more of this dialogue. Jack tries to sweeten the deal by offering to kill Danes. It doesn't sound like much of a deal to me. Jilly catches Jack talking to Danes and takes Jack's photo. I don't know why that is relevant seeing as the EVIL CONSPIRACY and PhiCorp know what he looks like anyway. Maybe there's an EVIL EVIL CONSPIRACY who don't know who Jack is? I don't know why I'm trying to make sense of this.

Danes begins his speech and stumbles over his words. He decides to go off script and begins to mumble and ramble incoherently about evolution and angels. The script demands that the words be inspiring so the audience (all 12 of them packed into a tiny corner of the Millennium Stadium) applaud and Jilly sheds a tear. He concludes by claiming that everyone is an angel. It is shite.

At San Pedro, Colin turns on the module which is in fact an oven! JUST LIKE THE NAZIS DID IN THEIR CAMPS. DO YOU SEE? THE IMAGERY THE WONDERFUL IMAGERY. Dr Juarez is burned alive (or more accurately burned unalive) and Rex can't figure out how to open the door to rescue her so he films her death instead. Rex is an idiot.

NEXT EPISODE: Ernie Hudson! Colin goes even more mad! Gwen says, "This is just like a concentration camp" for those who found the Nazi allusions too subtle.

No comments: