Sunday, 28 August 2011

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Seven

Hello again, this episode of Torchwood is so flashback heavy it may as well have been filmed with a sepia tone filter. Let's go back in time and find out what Jack got up to the 1920s...

It's 1927 and a cheeky Italian immigrant tries to steal Captain Jack's work visa and sneak into America. Jack tackles the thief to the ground but not before sitting on him and exchanging a look. Oh yeah, they're totally going to get it on. Jack takes a shine to the thief, Angelo, and visits him in the holding cell. Angelo spotted that Jack's visa was forged and this impresses Jack. They begin discussing holiday destinations and Jack decides to use his magic wrist device to forge Angelo a visa.

Back in the present day, Gwen is still freaking out about the EVIL CONSPIRACY using her contact lenses to talk to her. They have Gwen's family under armed guard but won't answer the phone to confirm this, which is a bit odd. Surely the kidnappers would want to prove they have her family? Oh well, lucky for them Gwen believes them anyway.

In the Torchwood office flat, Esther is watching Rex's YouTube snuff video of Dr Juarez's death and Rex walks in. Awkward. We then find out that Rex didn't know much about Dr Juarez or her family, he thinks she may have had a mother or brother somewhere, or something. Whatever, she's dead now.

Gwen bursts into the Torchwood flat and demands to see Jack, she surreptiously grabs a tazer and offers to show Jack something in her car. Esther senses something is awry. When Esther notices your lies, it's time to make up some better ones. Jack falls for Gwen's obvious ploy and ends up tazed in the back of the car.

Back in 1927 Jack rents an apartment with Angelo and they then have BBC uncensored sex. This is probably because it's not as ridiculously gratuitous as the sex scenes in the earlier episode. You know, the episode where Jack decided to suddenly drop his investigation and have sex with a barman. Anyway, they have sex and there are fireworks. SYMBOLISM.

Gwen and Jack have the most awkward road trip ever as Jack wakes up tied and bound on the backseat of the car. Jack decides to talk to the people who live in Gwen's contact lenses, he offers to give himself up in return for the safety of Gwen's family. Gwen freaks out when Jack can't remember her mum's name. Gwen, I've watched and written about every episode in stupid detail and I can't remember your mum's name. I bet Gwen's mum doesn't remember her own name.

In 1927 Jack meets up with a priest who sells him communion wine to flog in a 1920s bootleg stylee. Some stereotypical 1920s thugs suddenly appear and drag Jack and Angelo away.

Just as the 1920s got interesting we're dragged into the present where Jack is trying to bargain with Gwen for his release. Jack hasn't figured out that he's better off staying in the car and meeting the bad guys he wants to find. If he escapes he'll still be none the wiser as to what's happening. Jack, why you so stupid?

Whiplashing back to 1927, Jack is being intimidated by a stereotypical mafioso. The mafia are upset at Jack intruding into their bootlegging turf but Jack manages to talk them round into helping deliver a mysterious box. Jack is told not to look inside the box. What's in the box?

Seriously, what's in the box?

Oh well, we'll find out soon enough. Jack wants to send away Angelo because shit just got real. Angelo makes an impassioned plea so Jack thinks that he can make Angelo his companion, just like the Doctor has companions. Part of the deal will now involve Angelo calling Jack, "Doctor" during sex.

So what is in the box? Puppets! Alien brain worms puppets.

Jack shoots the brain slugs which were going to be used by the Trickster's Brigade to destabilise time by controlling the president of the USA.

No, not that Trickster. THIS Trickster:

I say, I say, I say, my interdimensional creature has no eyes. How does he smell? Awful.
Yes it's a Sarah Jane Adventures/Doctor Who reference for the last remaining members of the US Starz audience. Now they should all  have gone.

Jack's shooting alerts the guards of the warehouse he's in so he and Angelo run away. Then in order to point out that JACK IS NOT THE DOCTOR SO EVERYTHING HE DOES WILL GO WRONG NO MATTER HOW LONG HE LIVES OR HOW COMPETENT HE COULD CONCEIVABLY BECOME, he gets shot in the head. Angelo is somewhat traumatised by this because he doesn't know Jack is indestructible. Angelo gets arrested and taken away by the cops. Oh well, Jack is still alive and I'm sure he'll rescue him...

Back in Gwen's car, Jack tries to get some sleep but Gwen starts banging on about the good old days of Torchwood. She proves that she's a horrible person by claiming she loved the early episodes. She's a monster. Gwen also cries because it's seemingly in the contract for all the female characters to cry at least once per episode. Still, it gives the Esther the episode off from the waterworks. Gwen goes on to say that she will see Jack killed like a dog if it means getting her family back. Jack counters this threat by offering to rip the skin from her skull to stay alive. So there's five years of bonding for you.

In 1928 (uh oh) Jack meets Angelo outside prison. Jack ran off to Los Angeles and left Angelo in prison, Jack spent the time buying a brown coat that's quite similar to the Doctor's. Glad to see he had his priorities straight. Jack takes Angelo back to their old apartment but Angelo isn't too keen on getting it on with Jack. Angelo is Catholic and thinks Jack is the Devil so he's stabs him to death. Then Angelo takes Jack downstairs to the butcher shop and lets the butcher kill him. Then Angelo gathers all the locals who chain Jack up in a basement and take turns killing him. This development is somewhat... silly.

Jack is killed over and over until he wakes and sees three men size him up for purchase. The three men make an agreement and give a funny handshake. Jack fades out of consciousness... He's awoken by Angelo who frees him and cleans him up. Angelo apologises for the whole repeated murder thing and offers to run away with him but Jack decides to leave without Angelo by throwing himself off a roof and then disappearing like Batman.

In the present, Jack and Gwen finally meet up with the EVIL CONSPIRACY. It's Nana Visitor from that there Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Just as the villains look to have the upperhand, Rex and Esther ambush the villains via sniper rifle. Esther and Rex have also arranged for PC Andy to arrive with a SWAT team to rescue Gwen's family.

Jack and Gwen quickly make up and then try to intimidate Nana Visitor. Visitor points out that Jack still needs to find out who is behind it all and namedrops Angelo. Wow, the guy we just learned all about is behind it all. That's surprising.

NEXT EPISODE: Oswald Danes decides to go into ULTRA PAEDO MODE. It's PAEDOGEDDON. Also, Newman from Seinfeld returns.

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