Sunday, 21 August 2011

TV Snark - Torchwood Miracle Day Episode Six

This episode was so full of filler I refuse to dignify it with a full recap. Rest assured nothing much happened for the majority of its fifty minute runtime. I have now collected together all the relevant bits of the episode and put them in one handy video.

I messed up and now can't make the video so now it's a half ass lazy recap instead.

Ernie Hudson is Stuart, a man who works for PhiCorp. Jack wants to find him as he thinks he knows everything that's going on. Turns out Stuart doesn't know anything and it's just an excuse to have Winston Zeddemore in an episode. Stuart hires someone to break into a top secret PhiCorp facility, that someone breaks in and finds... something. He then joins the 45 Club and kills himself. Oh yeah there's a "45 Club" that's for people who want to commit suicide. Apparently if you drop 45 floors then you'll fall into a permanent coma.

So the rest of the episode is spent following Jack as he stalks Stuart and everyone he works with. Jack eventually blackmails Stuart's secretary into helping him meet with Stuart and question him about PhiCorp over dinner. Stuart knows nothing. Other than another Russell T Davies 'mysteriously-named-thing-that's-supposed-sound-cool-and-enigmatic-but-isn't' The Blessed. That's all Jack finds out, it takes him half of the episode.

He's looking at me, Ray.

Back in the San Pedro holiday camp, Rex is still on the loose with his video camera, Esther is still pretending to be Esther The Camp Administrator, and Colin is still being creepy and mental. We find out that Colin cannot pronounce the word, 'badminton' he says it, 'bad mitten'. This happens several times and is always hilarious. Rex eventually bluffs his way into trouble in the camp as he cons an increasingly stupid procession of guards. Rex is eventually captured and interrogated by Colin. Colin uses a pen to stab Rex in the heart a bit. This leads to more amazing Meki Phifer-in-pain acting (by 'amazing' I do of course mean shit). Esther eventually blunders her way to Rex's rescue and she uses the signature move of professional wrestler Tazz to take out Colin.

Colin rises from the dead like a B-movie villain but Esther is saved by the unconvincing solider, Ralph. Rex and Esther then escape with their video footage and release it to the world. Torchwood's reveal of death camps to the world is dealt with in a throw away comment at the end of the episode. The evil American politicians don't want to close the death camps, because they are EVIL. Or something. I assume RTD learned everything he knew about American government and corporations from watching Robocop and bad conspiracy thrillers.

As for Gwen's storyline, she spends the episode running around the death camp in Britain. She spends her time sneaking her father out (again) and shouting at a doctor for being a FILTHY NAZI. Yes, the whole concentration camp parallel is dealt with as subtly as usual. Gwen yells, "concentration camp" a bit and then decides to burn everyone in the concentration camp by blowing it up. That'll teach those evil corpse burners! TASTE THE FLAMES OF IRONY.

Gwen returns to America and is informed via a mysterious figure, who hacks into her magic contact lenses, that her family have been kidnapped, she must bring Captain Jack to the EVIL CONSPIRACY. Oh hey, RTD has watched 24, it's that silly part of any 24 season where there's a mole in CTU or someone has their family held captive so they do loads of silly dangerous things that endanger the mission. And we get to see a cheaper, even sillier version! YAY.

NEXT EPISODE: Gwen tazes Jack and takes him for a car ride. They gave it away in the trailer.

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